Saturday, October 16, 2004
Let me tell you a little story.
On December 31st, we will have been married for fifteen years. You already know this, but it is the only way to begin that will make sense.
There has always been a third party to this relationship, a ghost, if you will. He hasn't known it, but he always hovered there, just out of sight, waiting to be brought out. And he was. Every disagreement, every fight, every time things just weren't right, there he was.
Spouse's favorite thing to say to me when he's angry is this: "I know I'm not the great love of your life, but he left you because you are so..." The end of the sentence varies, depending upon the circumstances of the disagreement. But the ghost is always with me.
So when he began lashing out, it was natural that I would assume that he would think the best way for him to hurt me would be to hurt you. And I fell for it.
I don't think he knew what the consequences for him would be, but I do know that he is going way the hell out of his way to be nice to me for the last couple of days. Of course, this is all far too little, too late. If I had still been even a little bit undecided, this would have pushed me over the edge. As it is, it just makes it easier.
Funny, looking at it all written down, it almost seems that he was jealous of you. But having spent the last fifteen years with it, I know better. He drags you in to every conversation he can, because he knows it is still painful, and he just loves to rub salt in an open wound.
So, my ghost. Now you know a little bit more about how I've spent the last decade and a half. You've been there all along.
On December 31st, we will have been married for fifteen years. You already know this, but it is the only way to begin that will make sense.
There has always been a third party to this relationship, a ghost, if you will. He hasn't known it, but he always hovered there, just out of sight, waiting to be brought out. And he was. Every disagreement, every fight, every time things just weren't right, there he was.
Spouse's favorite thing to say to me when he's angry is this: "I know I'm not the great love of your life, but he left you because you are so..." The end of the sentence varies, depending upon the circumstances of the disagreement. But the ghost is always with me.
So when he began lashing out, it was natural that I would assume that he would think the best way for him to hurt me would be to hurt you. And I fell for it.
I don't think he knew what the consequences for him would be, but I do know that he is going way the hell out of his way to be nice to me for the last couple of days. Of course, this is all far too little, too late. If I had still been even a little bit undecided, this would have pushed me over the edge. As it is, it just makes it easier.
Funny, looking at it all written down, it almost seems that he was jealous of you. But having spent the last fifteen years with it, I know better. He drags you in to every conversation he can, because he knows it is still painful, and he just loves to rub salt in an open wound.
So, my ghost. Now you know a little bit more about how I've spent the last decade and a half. You've been there all along.
