Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Cute and funny as the last post was, there are some things I've hinted at but never really come out and told you. And I think it is about time. (If you've already heard enough, quit reading now, please.)
I'm going to start seeing someone, either tomorrow or sometime next week. I need to do this, because it became clear to me over the weekend that if I didn't make some changes soon, it might very well be too late, and what is disturbing now might simply become the way I live. And I don't want to live this way any more.
I know that I haven't made it clear exactly what the problem is, and while I'm uncomfortable talking about it (and if I'm uncomfortable with you, imagine how hard it is going to be with a stranger.) I think you may want to know, and you obviously deserve to know the whole truth.
I'm scared. I'm always scared. I get frightened in situations where, a few months ago, I would have told the person to fuck off and die, or to drop dead, or just to get the hell out of my face, and been done with it. Now, I cry and become immobile when things like this happen. Even in Fresno this weekend - when that woman trapped me in the doorway to my room. I couldn't come up with a smart retort to save my soul. I was too frightened that she was going to hurt me. So I cowered, and eventually told her what she wanted to know so she would go away. And even now, I'm having trouble with it. I've asked you for help with the decision I have to make about this weekend, but I think I need to find someone close by who can help me stop being so frightened all the time. I know a little fear of the spouse is to be expected, and probably healthy, considering everything that has happened, but it is carrying over into the rest of my life. I feel as though I should be doing better by now, and while that may or may not be true, it is what I feel.
I can't be as good a parent as I would like if I'm afraid. And I certainly can't be as good to you as I'd like when I feel as though I need to watch everything I say, and everything I do. That isn't me. I may not be the most outgoing woman in the world, but I've never been like this. I wasn't like this last summer, and I don't want to be like this any more.
I do adore you. And I know you want me to be healthy, mind and body, and I have finally decided to do something about it. (a hug would be nice here...)
I'm hoping to be able to get back to the fun stuff soon. I miss writing for you. I miss lots of things.
I'm going to start seeing someone, either tomorrow or sometime next week. I need to do this, because it became clear to me over the weekend that if I didn't make some changes soon, it might very well be too late, and what is disturbing now might simply become the way I live. And I don't want to live this way any more.
I know that I haven't made it clear exactly what the problem is, and while I'm uncomfortable talking about it (and if I'm uncomfortable with you, imagine how hard it is going to be with a stranger.) I think you may want to know, and you obviously deserve to know the whole truth.
I'm scared. I'm always scared. I get frightened in situations where, a few months ago, I would have told the person to fuck off and die, or to drop dead, or just to get the hell out of my face, and been done with it. Now, I cry and become immobile when things like this happen. Even in Fresno this weekend - when that woman trapped me in the doorway to my room. I couldn't come up with a smart retort to save my soul. I was too frightened that she was going to hurt me. So I cowered, and eventually told her what she wanted to know so she would go away. And even now, I'm having trouble with it. I've asked you for help with the decision I have to make about this weekend, but I think I need to find someone close by who can help me stop being so frightened all the time. I know a little fear of the spouse is to be expected, and probably healthy, considering everything that has happened, but it is carrying over into the rest of my life. I feel as though I should be doing better by now, and while that may or may not be true, it is what I feel.
I can't be as good a parent as I would like if I'm afraid. And I certainly can't be as good to you as I'd like when I feel as though I need to watch everything I say, and everything I do. That isn't me. I may not be the most outgoing woman in the world, but I've never been like this. I wasn't like this last summer, and I don't want to be like this any more.
I do adore you. And I know you want me to be healthy, mind and body, and I have finally decided to do something about it. (a hug would be nice here...)
I'm hoping to be able to get back to the fun stuff soon. I miss writing for you. I miss lots of things.
