Conversation

I'm beginning to be concerned about a friend of mine who seems to be making fewer decisions of her own, and relying on the decisions of her boyfriend. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive, and he really is acting on her behalf, but somehow the things she is saying and the things he later says are almost always completely different. Like tonight - she was prepared to help me tomorrow, and he says there's no way it is going to happen.

I just wish I knew she wasn't falling into the same trap I fell in.

I guess the drugs must be starting to work - I'm beginning to get lonely. I'm surrounded by people most of the time (because being alone for long periods is a really bad thing for me right now) but I miss you. I would love to hear from you soon, and to be able to hold your hand one of these days. Who knows... perhaps one day I'll be able to write for you again. If you're ever going to be willing to read it, that is.

And this sadness will never go away, no matter how many drugs they give me.

Evidently the gloves are off, and he's not going to be a "nice guy" any more. No, I'm not going to take my friend's advice - I am only getting by because of the drugs, and I know it.

Keep a good thought for Maria today, though. She's fifteen. And thinks she's going to be driving soon. (Ha!)

Talked to an old friend tonight. She recommended I quit taking all my medication and "get tough". I think I'll just ignore that particular piece of advice, and try really hard not to discuss anything of substance the next time I see her.

It is difficult enough without people second-guessing the doctor. Especially someone who has never met the man in question, and has no idea what has gone on during the last eighteen years.

Believe it or not, she was shocked to hear that I'm afraid of strangers. Reminded me that the woman she knew was anything but timid...

One more reason to go and spend some time with old friends, I guess. Funny - the original title of this weblog was "Ellie wants her life back". I suppose I knew what I had to do even then.

If I were to call you, just to hear your voice, would I be doing it to save myself, or to say goodbye?

I guess I won't know until it happens.

I don't believe in coincidence. What happened this evening was beyond bizarre, as he is someone I haven't heard from since the tenth of March. Why today?

I suppose I'll just have to accept it as a sign that I won't get shot when I approach his door. And it makes it far easier to justify taking a couple of days for a road trip toward the end of my little sojourn.

Where shall I go? Perhaps north... it is always fun to see new places. Or south - there are some lovely small towns down that way.

Who knows - perhaps I'll go to the city for a few days. I haven't been there since December of '78, and I do miss the place.

I know I need to be more patient, less demanding. And I'm trying. I know that you understand this, and I know you also understand how very much I hate disappointing you.

What you may not know is that I no longer trust anyone except you. And this is her college fund. I know that I can't expect you to change your life for me, and I don't really want you to do that, because you wouldn't be happy. But I have to find a way to protect her future, and I don't know what else to do. So I called on you, and when you answered, I got carried away.

I am sorry, and I'll try to find another way.

I don't want you to worry. I just... I don't want you to be surprised. I hurt you so badly, and I can never make up for that. I don't want you to be hurt that way again.

Please remember that I will always love you. No matter what.

I need:

To put on clothes every day.

To leave the apartment for at least half an hour every day.

To talk to someone face to face every day.

To stop sitting on the bed wishing for things that can't happen.

To stop thinking about how much more simple it would be...

You are a wonderful man, strong, loyal, tender, and gentle, so gentle. Even in the worst of times, you have always made me feel special.

You made me feel loved.

Thank you.

Hello.

I've tried to keep this from you, but you really do need to know. I'm fading away. I was back for a while, I was happier than I ever thought I could be again. And I thank you for that. It wouldn't have been possible without you. And I do love you. You truly are my closest friend. I couldn't say these things to anyone else.

I'll hang on as long as I can - Maria needs me right now, and I know it will hurt you as well.

I will be here every morning for you, for as long as I can.

Yours,

Always.

As you know, I received the book. I've read it - cover to cover in one sitting, as you knew I would.

I'm anxious to have the opportunity to try out some of the suggestions, and would love to see your reactions. Funny, they recommend lots of things you and I have enjoyed in the past. And I remain hopeful that we will have the opportunity to enjoy them again one day.

Kissing, licking, sucking... the way you taste and the way I taste on you. Fond memories that keep me going when things get really rough.

There are things I should tell you, things I want to tell you, but I don't feel as though you want to know.

And that makes me sad.

I know you haven't said anything of the sort, but you've been so short with me lately, I can't help thinking you haven't the time for me. And I don't ever want you to start thinking of me as a burden.

Maria and her friend Amber are making me breakfast. Yes, I know it is past noon. They're teenagers - and they just got up.

Me? I staying out of their way, and trying to figure out how to clean up the disaster they leave behind.

I need you right now. I need to talk to you, to see you. I need to look into your eyes so I can tell what you're thinking. I need all these things.

And I know I can't have any of them, and the weight of that knowlege is crushing me.

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder just how much you want to know, how much you are interested in hearing. I often think I say too much.

I do know that I love you, that you're the sweetest, warmest, sexiest man ever created. I know you're my friend, and so much more. I know you care, even when it seems no one else does.

And I know that you are simply magnificent at what you do. Everything you do, although I can only speak from personal experience about some things. (And I would really love some additional personal experience, if you get my drift.)

I've read the book, and am anxious to try some things out...