Tuesday, July 12, 2005
I am going to see my friend Matthew this evening. I will write to you and tell you this, of course, and he is the one you've said I can visit any time, so I don't feel guilty about doing so, but I need to talk to someone and I have made an agreement with him that he isn't going to try to "fix" me, he's just going to listen.
Everyone keeps telling me it isn't my fault. How can it not be my fault? I didn't come home when I should have, I didn't come and find you no matter what it took. You would never have done anything like this. You're not capable of it.
So it is my fault. And even if I did screw up and marry him, I should have left as soon as she was born. We both know that. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for this one.
And I'm not sure you'll be able to forgive me, either.
Everyone keeps telling me it isn't my fault. How can it not be my fault? I didn't come home when I should have, I didn't come and find you no matter what it took. You would never have done anything like this. You're not capable of it.
So it is my fault. And even if I did screw up and marry him, I should have left as soon as she was born. We both know that. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for this one.
And I'm not sure you'll be able to forgive me, either.
