Conversation

I wish everyone would just stop trying to "fix" me. I'm not even to the miserably unhappy point yet. At least let me get past the empty nothing and just want the whole thing to stop point before you start trying to shove positive thinking down my throat.

And it really doesn't help to tell me to "fake it until you make it" or that if I'm depressed and frightened the state is going to take away my daughter and put her in foster care. How exactly is that supposed to make me less depressed?

I know how broken I am. I know how much of a mess I am, what a disaster I've become.

I also know that every time you try to push me into getting better "now", I wind up retreating to bed for days at a time.

All I can feel right now are fear for my daughter and myself, nothingness and the desire for everything to just go away, and now guilt for not being able to protect her.

I'm sorry that I am not getting better on your schedule, but I really am doing the best I can. I've asked for help, and I am getting it, but I may never be the person you want me to be again.

(and no, Master, this doesn't include you. I know you accept and love me just as I am, no matter what.)