Conversation

Thank you for letting me know that you will be out of town for a week or so. And thank you for agreeing to step in and help me with some of the things I haven't been able to accomplish since all this began in January. The depression is (very) slowly lifting, but as you know I still have times when it just seems so much simpler for everyone if I just stop.

And thank you for restricting me to two appointments a day. You were absolutely correct - I spent about three hours in the office this morning, and when I came home I had to go to bed for over four hours. I was (and still am) exhausted.

While I am not looking forward to completing my punishment in the morning, I do know you are having me do so in order to insure that I do not keep you in the dark in the future. I have been doing so for far too long, and now that you know the entire story, you have every reason to be concerned if and when you try to look in on me and find that you cannot.

I'm just about to take my evening medications and head off to bed. I am hoping that now that I am dreaming again I will begin to dream of you soon rather than the monsters I've been seeing lately. One more time waking up to keep myself from falling off a cliff or driving head-on into a semi and I may have to call the doctor early. She was right about the nightmares. And we may be increasing some of the meds to get rid of the dreams again. I hate not having lovely sexy dreams about you, but dreaming of being about to die every night is not really helping me feel safe out here. And we both know I can't be where I would really feel safe, so I have to learn how to deal with it.

I do still miss your touch, your smell, your taste. I miss the way your arms feel around me, the way you kiss my forehead, the way you hold my hand.

And the sex. I miss that too.