Conversation

Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again

But I do, and it will be too soon. See you in about a week.

Vacation, here I come.

I decided. Garden Party, by Rick Nelson.
Why? Because none of us look the same. And some of us are totally different people than we were.
Right down to the name.

One of these days I will tell you all about it. And then, perhaps, I will go back to using my real name.

Tell me, if I was using an assumed name when I married spouse, does that mean we aren't really married at all, and I can be who I used to be?

Wouldn't it be loverly?

The local oldies station is asking people to list their three favorite oldies.
Mine are:
Brandy by LookingGlass (all time favorite. Listen to the lyrics, and remember when it was released!)

Never My Love by Association

And one still to be determined. I am wavering between a few songs. So Happy Together, I Really Want to See You Tonight, and a couple of others. I must make up my mind soon.

Okay. I am in the process of changing the direct deposit amounts. There will be an additional 600.00 per month for the bills, and the same amount not available for him to spend on her.
We will see what happens when he figures this one out.

Do I have the gonads? I just don't know. I really don't. But I sure hope so.

One of my friends wants to know why I don't leave spouse. And he says that my "reasons" are inadequate. I know he is correct, but I still have the same reasons. DD will be miserable if I kill her father. And he will never be able to afford the medical care he needs if we are divorced and he loses his insurance.

But that shouldn't be stopping me from making the other things happen. The bank accounts need to be fixed, and I do need to get the paperwork going. I just don't seem to be able to find the courage to do it. I wish you were here, and could let me know what you think. Okay, I already know what you think. But you would kick me in the ass and make me do it.

Wouldn't you?

Why the hell am I siting here feeling sorry for myself? It is her birthday. I should be happy as can be, because she is the most wonderful (if highly stressed) child ever created. And you and I, much as we would have loved to have done so, were not able to create her. Nor would we ever have been. She is a unique blend of her father and me, and so she would have been someone else entirely had she been yours. Still, I think you would have been a better father, in many ways. You do have your flaws, I am not blind to them, but I think you would have been a better father for her anyway. You seem to understand that people mature at different rates, and that there are many reasons that a child will need extra time and attention. You needed extra time, and you were able to give it to yourself. I stil cannot tell you how proud I am that you have achieved so much. I can only hope that DD has the opportunity to make her life what she wants it to be, as you have done with yours.
I need to stop sitting still, and get on with it. I understand that, I am just having some difficulty getting going. As usual, I would rather be miserable than change. You remember that, don't you?

Why do I set myself up for these things? I need to just get down to it, and make my life what I want it to be. I need to eliminate the drag, and to move the cash out of his hands. I also need to get myself out of the misery that is this job. But what to do ? I would love to go back to school, and to finally do what I know I can, but there are so many other obligations... I am not as flexible as I once was. I get too tired to do more than one class at night any more. I used to be able to work full time and go to school full time, at least for a while. Now, I can barely drag myself into the office most days. Without any classes. Maybe a shot once in a while would help with that. Oh yeah, you don't know about that. Well, if I see you this summer, perhaps I will tell you about my little B-12 addiction.
In the mean time, it is about time that I got rid of some of my baggage. Starting with the Bof A account.

Today is my daughter's birthday. I hope she has a wonderful year. She is fourteen. What a great age. I loved being fourteen. Of course, I hated the fact that you didn't seem to know that I existed. But you did call. For Christmas.

I miss you.

I hope she finds someone who is even half as decent as you were. Someone who will call her, instead of his mother.

Don't you want somebody to love?

It's what I am listening to. And the answer? Of course. The only problem is that the one I want has someone else. Isn't that always the way? I always knew you were smarter than you let on. I believed in you. Even when you didn't.

That should count for something.

I hope to see you in June. I will be asking your aunt to get a message to you, but you could take the initiative and send me a message after reading this. If you are reading this.
I know you probably aren't really reading my weblogs (yes there are several) but perhaps one day you will, and you will then understand that while I am thrilled that you have found someone with whom you can share your life, I feel just a little bit left out.

But then, we have not been a part of one another's lives for a while now. Too many years have gone by, and I don't even know you any more. Hell, I don't know me anymore. And that, to quote Edith Ann, is the truth.

Not taking the computer on the cruise. Not taking the xml book on the cruise. (although I should)

Taking makeup and perfume on the cruise.

Taking high heels and short skirts on the cruise.

Taking my heartache on the cruise.

First steps.
Meet people on the cruise.
Get the bills in order, and paid as needed.
Jeff Frost
Change direct deposit to reflect reality of the situation
Change w4 to reflect some more of the mortgage interest
Change marital status?

I am proud of you. I am happy for you. I know that you have found what you want, and I am pleased.
But I am also heartbroken.

Hope you understand.

The best laid plans of mice and men...

I accomplished nothing over the weekend. I am hoping I will be packed in time to catch the plane. But I may wind up wearing the same outfit for seven days.

I am still hoping to run into you on the ship. I maintain hope, against all the odds. It sustains me.

I must see you this year.

If only for that hour.

My friend Brad said something to me today that I need to take to heart. I am stuck in this place because I am afraid to move on. I allow other people to rule me, and thus I remain fettered, and unhappy.

I have to move faster. I need to get more money going where I need it to go, and less going into Juanita's pockets. (Bitch.)

I need to get that separation, and I need to get my bank account under control.

This week... before the cruise.

I have other blogs, you know. One at Journalspace... For Public Consumption. It mainly deals with work, and the day to day things that happen in computer software cubeland.

I have a friend who is in trouble. He may be getting fired today. I am worried about him, and about my own job. He may be the low man on the totem pole, but I am just above him, and I can feel the ground fast approaching. We shall see.

The boss is not generous with people who have left the company. Not for any reason. I don't know why, but I think it may have something to do with her belief that if they leave (even involuntarily) they are being disloyal. Amazing what the human mind can do.

I am waiting for the afternoon, when I have an appointment about 40 miles away, and when my friend has his appointment upstairs. We will be getting the bad news at about the same time. Me about my lung function, him, the job function.

Got all the crud out of the computer this morning. Took most of the morning, but it is worth it. No more pop-ups every other second. What a pain in the butt!

Looking forward to seeing people who know me (or know one of me. I am feeling rather split lately... California me and Ohio me, and never the twain shall meet.

I am hoping that at least one or two of you can come to know both.

You know who you are. This blog's for you.

Less than two weeks until the cruise, then the next thing coming up will be the trip to Ohio. i am not prepared for either. I should be packed and ready to go to Florida for the cruise, but i don't even know what to take. I don't know what I am thinking. Guess it has just been too much too fast over the last couple of weeks. We will need to be prepared, though. It will go by too quickly for us to procrastinate.

i will be packed by the end of the weekend. I must.

Finally something on this damned computer is working. I have wasted more time today closing pop-ups than I have working.

I have suddenly become undecided about contacting you. All this planning, and now i am getting cold feet.

I need to get over it. Soon.

Maybe you will be on the cruise, and it will all sort itself out there.

A gal can hope, can't she?

Good Friday.

The days and weeks are moving faster than I anticipated. I will be seeing you soon, I hope.

First the cruise, from the 25th through the 2nd.
Then Ohio, from June 18 through the 29th.

The rest of the year... no vacation at all.

Serves me right. I should have planned better.

Saw an article on remaining friends today. I had seen it before, and bookmarked it. It says all the right things, but I still think that we should be friends again. Even though there is still a spark here. I just don't think I should be the one to bring it up.
So I will ask you for your friendship. And it will be enough. It will just have to be.

I missed you. I know this is not a conversation, but it is the closest I can manage until I see you. So I do all the talking, and you just listen. Perhaps by the time I do see you, I will be all talked out, and I will be able to just listen. That would be good. I have twenty three years to hear about. And I do want to know. Everything.

And I will ask the questions.

In June.

Well, I am off for a weekend of chaparoning teenage girls. It should be fun, and if I survive, I will be back on Wednesday.

Then in a couple of weeks we leave on the cruise. ( I really wish I was going with you.)

In June, I will find you. All I will ask is an hour of your time. You are far too decent a person to deny an old friend an hour.

And I will ask the three questions:
1) Are you happy?
2) Are you well?
3) Are you ready to be friends again?

Listening to some old music, as I do these days, I am reminded of the first times I heard them. I remember crying when I heard Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes, because, of course, you were dating a girl named Rosie.

Seems a little silly now, but then... it was heart rending.

funny how some things change so much, and yet the feelings remain.

I have never stopped loving you. Not for an instant. Not since I was thirteen.

And I have to believe that I never will.

Dreamed of you last night. It was sad. I saw your face as you turned away from me, and said that you didn't want to be with me any more. We parted, but agreed to meet as friends for coffee later in the week.

I told you I just wanted you to be happy.

I have been sad all day.