Conversation

I guess I will be less than perfect when I get back to town. I wanted to be in better shape this time, but I don't have the willpower to avoid all the things that are bad for me. Like you.

I will do my level best to look better than I do now, though. I can at least manage that. I will get my act together, and plan a wardrobe that fits correctly and that flatters as much as possible. I will also start taking my medication seriously again. This nose can be helped.

It is almost Memorial Day! I am coming back to Ohio in less than a month. Beginning to get excited, and yet I haven't met my goal (size 14 still eludes me). I am going to continue to work on it, so I will be in better shape than I am today, but I will not be the slender thing I wanted to be. Maybe next year. But I am not putting off meeting with you because of that. If you do feel the same, it won't matter. And if you don't, it really won't.

Well, things just get more nd more interesting. The editorial staff makes its own schedules and the rest of us just have to work around them. This would be fine most of the time, but we have a bunch of people gathered to learn a new skill, and editorial is supposed to go over the guidelines with us. Boo!

Next steps. What shall I do now, to get my act together? I need to come up with three thousand dollars soon, to pay the property taxes. Then I will need to either cut out expenses or add income to meet the rest of the expenses for the year. And he doesn't seem to get the idea that he is not supposed to be spending money we don't have.

Ugh. I am overcommitted, and I don't really see what to do right now.

Clear thinking over the weekend, that's what is needed. I will pay the minimums on everything, and make decisions about the rest later.

Some days I wonder what I am going to do in Ohio for seven days, all by myself. Other days, I don't think it will be anywhere near long enough to accomplish everything I want to do. Can you tell I am of two minds about the whole thing?

I still haven't heard back from one of the guys I was hoping to see on this trip, and I am completely in the dark about your whereabouts. I will drop the note (already composed, typed and sealed in the card) with your aunt on the 22nd, and hope for the best.

I need to go to the cemetery, and I need to get the electricity checked out. I will need to visit the festival, I suppose, and I am hoping to spend some time with a few of my classmates.

Maybe a week isn't so long after all.

This new exercise thing is making me sore and tired. I am hoping to do better with the balanced diet, and the cardio, but am really looking forward to fitting into that blasted blue dress. I know, not the best incentive, but it really is the only goal I can see from here. Not having a stroke is a great goal, but hard to quantify until I do have it. Then I will know if I managed to put if off for a long time, or if I have done all this work for naught. But if I can wear the dress, stroke or no stroke, I will have accomplished something. I can be just as shallow as the next guy.

Heard a song from '73 today. It reminded me of you, and how it felt when you were gone. It is called My Girl, and it speaks of how she can be left behind, but she will always be there.

I wish I had been a better friend to you when you went to Korea. I am sorry.

I hope we can become friends again.

I saw a blog today titled "Hold me, my love, I can't sleep again".
Just thought you should know that I think of you when I can't sleep. I imagine myself in your arms, and I drift off every time. It has gotten me through some periods when insomnia was becoming a long-term companion. I was always most comfortable in your arms, and have never really felt safe sleeping with anyone else. Funny, isn't it? After all these years, I still look to you for comfort?

But you know how to comfort me best.

I received an email today, about a tarot site I frequent. The author was discussing the Lovers, a card about decisions and the consequences thereof. She recommended following your own moral code when making decisions about relationships.

It couldn't have been better timing. I have some decisions to make, and I need to remember that although I would certainly jump at the chance to start something with you if you were unmarried, you aren't. So I need to think long and hard about what it is I want, and what that really means about my feelings toward you.

You see, if I really still love you, how can I ask you to risk losing the life you have worked so hard for? I can't.

Be my best friend again, and I will force myself to be content.

Shall I set up another blog, in my original (somehow real doesn't seem to apply here) name? You know, the married one I had before I ran off to California and became Elaine? I often wonder if things would be different had I maintained my name, and been easy to find. What would you have done if I had gone back? If I had wanted to see you when you got home from Korea? If I had written back?

I wonder. Should I make myself findable? I suppose the visit to the old stomping grounds will determine that. But still...

Boo Hiss Hiss! My last post disappeared. And I was pouring my heart out in it. Again. Probably for the best that it is gone.

I moved the money. Now I just need to get the property taxes taken care of, and then the IRS. Who says you can get ahead?

I am already planning what to bring on the trip this summer. I have begun going to the gym, and I will be ready for the sleeveless look at least. I won't be doing the midriff, but I think I can at least make myself look less out of shape than I really am.

I am looking forward to figuring out what to say to you, so I can write it down and print it out, and include it in your card. I won't put it in an envelope by itself, because I know how hard it is to avoid reading things like that. So it will be inside the card, and you can choose with whom to share it.

I will be sure to put the office number in there, so you can call me where I won't get the message until I get home.

'K?

How do I pick a screen name for a new site I want to join? I have used everything from walking_stroke, which describes how I felt for a year or so after I got the news, to my work alias, evaza. Seems kind of dull, though, doesn't it?
2shy is how I described myself to this group when I got involved with it, so maybe I should stick with that, but newLife is what I want. Or is it oldLife? Or just oldLover?

What to do, what to do. it remains a mystery.

Maybe it is the songs that bring it back, but I feel as though I am making some progress lately. I have gotten some more control over the financial aspects of my life, and I am making some inroads into the work stuff. I only need to gain control of the education thing, and then I might just feel okay about what's going on.

Who am I kidding? Have I ever felt okay about myself? Well, all right, I did for a while, but that ended in '81, now didn't it? Actually, it ended in '79, right? I just didn't see it. And so I couldn't help you with it either. I am sorry I wasn't there for you.

I am also sorry that I let you go. I should never have stopped writing. That was selfish. It was just so hard when you started talking about the other girl. I couldn't do it. And I will always regret it.

Please forgive me.

I dreamed about you again last night. And I didn't meet anyone on the cruise. Not that I really had time to look. Spouse really seemed to mean it about spending time together. Don't understand why, unless he is telling the truth and his girlfriend has left him. That would do it, I guess. But why he thinks it will make me more likely to want to spend time with him is a mystery to me.

I have changed to financial arrangements, and will be dealing with the IRS soon. I have to do so... I am running out of other options to raise funds. I will be down to selling pieces of furniture soon. And that will not go over well.

I need to call the state again and see if they are happy yet. Maybe I can get a form from them, and send in the 99 tax stuff, and make this particular portion of the nightmare go away. Ha!

All I can do is try it. And wait impatiently for the 18th of June. Looking forward to at least talking to you. Would love to see you. Even for a moment.

I have returned.
It was a lovely cruise, and I cannot wait to go again, but you were not there. And believe me, I looked. If you were, you were hiding, because I spent every waking hour looking at people and wandering the ship. I even talked to strangers on this trip. Not like the me I've become at all.

But very like the me I used to be. Perhaps you can go home again.