Conversation

Back from vacation. I finally heard from you, after I returned to San Francisco. It was good to see your name in the email.
I ran into one of my closest friends, and we spent a lovely evening together. My friend Beth entertained me several times, and I began to feel as though I was wearing out my welcome. My other friend and I will be spending some more time together because we have another mutual friend to track down. Tall, blond, smoked cherry blend...

According to Emerson, loved me.

I should have gone home instead of running away.

This is it. We have come to the end of the road. The day after tomorrow I leave for Ohio. I find it hard to believe that we have made it this far without any major difficulties.

I need to run to the store tonight to get some snacks for the plane, and to get some money for the spouse. Can't leave him with no money. It would just be too big a temptation to use (and go over the limit on) the credit cards.

God I miss you. You never did this sort of thing.

Less than a week until I leave for Ohio. Just a bit scary. In fact, I am feeling downright nervous. I don't know if I can do it. I have emailed a couple of people, and am hoping to see them (and you) while I am there, but I don't know how I am going to feel about it. I am not the person I was.

I will probably wind up working part of the week, because of the size of the project I am on, and the tight deadline. I may want to work, as I will have nothing else to do for several days while people are doing things around the house. On the other hand, I might just say the heck with it all, and play the new Harry Potter game the whole time. Either way, a week with no one but me to look after is going to be refreshing.

I am hoping to return home with a better attitude, both about work and about my outside activities, which have been making me crazy for a couple of weeks.

I am almost finished for the day, and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. I can't imagine what it will be like for you when I just show up in Ohio, and want to see you, but I am hoping it will be a happy surprise for you, or at least not one that makes you feel bad or worried. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, and I have always wanted you to be happy. I just hope you remember that.

I think I may have given you more good qualities in my mind than are really in your personality. I hope not.

I hope we are still able to be friends. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Somehow, it feels necessary.

Again I am feeling that there is something missing. I want so badly to see you, to speak with you, that I am putting everything else on hold. I can't afford to keep doing that. I know that the world has always stopped when you were near me, but I have way too many other commitments for that to happen now. I have to see you, but I also have to be reasonable about what happens next.

I hope you will get in touch while I am there. I have unanswered questions.

Work is, well, work. I am not going to say that I am sure there are bad things coming, but when the big guy feels the need to come in to the development office and tell you to improve your morale, things are usually coming to a head.

So, I will once again try to convince the family that there is a good reason to set up a budget (filthy word there!) and stick with it. Of course, the fact that there are a million things that have to be done this year, all of which cost lots of money, isn't going to help. I am beginning to think that I will have to make DD's dress for her installation. We need to be getting a pattern and material picked out for it anyway. We know it will happen, just not exactly when. (Probably a year from September.)

Wish me luck. With DD going to Chicago in July and August, her father wanting to go to Champaign sometime this summer, and our trip to Ohio (not to mention all the Rainbow functions) I will be lucky to keep up with the mortgage.

He is beginning to be a pain about it. He suddenly wants to take good care of the house, and the lawn, and paint, and trim the shrubs, and why?

I guess he thinks that if he does all this, he will have a house worth a lot of money. What he doesn't know is that the amount he will get is half of the profit. Not half the value. And since the bank owns about two thirds of the house, he isn't gettin' much.

Idiot. On the other hand, it is way better than having him sit around and do nothing all day.

I am getting a ittle worried about the financial stuff, again.
I seem to have made a mistake in putting the check directly into the savings account via the atm, as there is a requirememt for two forms of id. You would think they would let it slide, as I am depositing it into an account to which only I have access, but no, they must toe the line. I just hope it gets processed before I have to leave for Ohio.

And before the option ends.

I cannot believe it... less than two weeks until I leave on vacation. And a few days after that, I will leave a note with your aunt, asking to see you. Then I will go back to the house and open a bottle of champagne, to congratulate myself on having had the courage to actually do it.

All this planning, and when it really comes down to it, I won't know if I can go there and deliver the letter until the day comes to drop DD off at the airport. I will have it with me, but will I stop on the way back?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Well, it happened. My life insurance premium was returned by the bank. I knew it was just a matter of time. I will pay it, and change the account from which it is taken. Some people never change, you know? I had hoped that he would take this whole thing seriously, but I guess he just assumes (and yes, I remember what you said about that word) that I will pick up the slack.

I am looking forward to seeing you, and speaking to you in person. Even if you aren't as anxious as I to resume our friendship. I am hoping to see that you are happy, healthy, and still have a bit of that sense of humor. Please, have a sense of humor. I don't know if I could stand it if you are dry and humorless. If this doesn't call for a good laugh, I don't know what will.

And it will give many more opportunities to dream of you.