Conversation

You said the time had come, so here goes.

I love you. I've been in love with you since I was thirteen years old. I can't remember a single decision or choice I have made that you didn't influence in some way. And I miss you. I miss talking to you, touching you, just being close to you.
It is surprising, the things I miss the most. The ability to be completely content, just being in the same room. It wasn't necessary to talk, just being together was enough. You can't imagine how rare that is.

When you're around, you are all that matters. And when you aren't, nothing seems to matter at all. And that is a bit frightening. But if you were to ask me, I would leave my job, put the house on the market, pull Maria out of school and relocate to whatever place you wanted. Today.

As the days go by, and I don't hear from you, I find it more and more difficult to breathe. And when you sent me away, (and let's not forget that I knew exactly what I was doing) I just wanted to die. In fact, I'm just now getting beyond the temptation to open the window and be done with it. I won't, because it would kill Maria, and it would, I know, hurt you. But the temptation has been there.

I went back home and looked up our mutual friends, because of you. And I find that they still love me, even though I have spent all these years believing they wouldn't. We were like family, and I miss that. I'm looking forward to spending more time with them next year.

But above all the rest, the thing I want and need most is for you to be happy. The thought of you being unhappy or disappointed is unbearable. I need you to be careful, and safe, and content.

And I wouldn't change any of these things even if I could.

Hello there.

Just to let you know that I was thinking of you today. And smiling.

You are almost as good an imaginary friend as you are a real one.

Can't begin to tell you how glad I am that everything is okay. I know you don't particularly want me to be worrying about you, at least not to the point where I quit sleeping, but you know me. It is one of the things I do best. Worry and guilt, my strong suits.

I'm taking Maria out to the theater for my birthday, about a month early. The Spindrift players are putting on a production of "The Taming of the Shrew" for the next couple of weeks, and I think it will be a great introduction to Shakespeare for her, as well as a chance to see an old favorite for me. So I'm getting tickets for next weekend. Who knows? She might just get hooked on theater, and on Shakespeare. It is certainly worth a try.

Good news and bad on the employment front. My friend Mark has found a full time job with a startup, so perhaps there are a few jobs still out there. On the other hand, the portion of the docs that I work on is headed to India in six months to a year. One positive note - I might get to take a trip over there to train people. I would love to go, and would certainly try to take Maria with me for a week or so, just so we can play tourist for a while.

Perhaps we could extend the vacation portion of the trip and make a stop in Istanbul. Another place I'm longing to see. Time will tell.

Best go now, work awaits.

Back from lunch. We had a nice time - the restaurant serves good tapas, and we shared a pitcher of Sangria. No, I didn't drink myself into a stupor, although I did leave the office with that intent.

We talked the sort of talk that only happens when one of us is leaving. Lots of memories, discussions of bands seen, concerts attended, Mark's books and readings.

I'll be attending one of his readings on the 15th. A bookstore on 16th and Valencia. It is going to be an early evening, as his portion of the "crawl" is only from 6 to 7:15. And there are going to be several writers, so I imagine he will probably read "Pretend" again. I do love that story. So much emotion underneath. Ah well.

I'd better get some work done. After all, this isn't elementary school, where lunch is the most important part of the day.

I miss you. Of course, I do so all the time, but with our very different schedules, you always made time for me in the mornings. So this time of day is pretty difficult. For a while I retreated into sleeping fifteen hours a day, but now the insomnia is back. Tired all the time, and not able to sleep.

This, of course, isn't your problem. I guess I will just have to get used to the fact that you won't be here when I get up, but it is harder than you might think. I do only check about a hundred times a day now, so I'm getting better, but it is going to take a long time before I stop waking up at four thirty to see if you want to talk.

I just received the most rediculous email - Jesus loves you, refinance now.

Sometimes I wonder about people. I really do. I mean, I thought I was nuts. This guy takes the cake.

And now, to make a great day even better, I'm getting a migraine headache. How do I know? If you have to ask, you've never had one.

Mine are always the same... pain running up the nerve at the back of the right side of my head. Makes the whole side of my head feel as if it was five times its normal size, and puts me in a crappy mood for at least one day. Up to 72 hours, they say. Yup, I've had 'em for that long.

Oh Joy.

I don't know if you continue to read this or not, but I am going to talk to you anyway. If the things I say come up in an email, I'll know. Otherwise, I'll just assume I'm talking to myself, and that you might drop by once in a while, but aren't keeping up on a daily basis.

I'm tired. Just plain tired. Maria has a nasty cold, spouse's closest friend may have pancreatic cancer, I continue to abuse both my lungs and liver, because self medicating is far easier and less expensive than going in to the doctor's office and attempting to explain to her just what the hell is wrong with me.

And yes, I'd love some cheese with this whine.

I may have to rethink my timetable. While I hate to drag Maria out of here before she finishes school, I don't know that I can keep this up for another five years. My close friend (I have told you about her) is leaving for another job. So I'll have virtually nobody to talk to here. And I will have lost five (count 'em five) friends here in the past two and a half years.

Oh well. There are compensations. I've found you again, and that makes up for a lot of this stuff. It has been difficult having no one who really understands me around for all these years. I've gotten in contact with both of our mutual friends (no names, to protect the innocent) and they welcomed me with open arms. E's wife is wonderful. She has a great sense of humor, and seems not to mind (now that she has met me) the fact that every once in a while I keep her husband out till the wee hours.

C is simply the most steady man I know. If you decide to see him, you'll see it too, I think. He is still just the same, with a weirdly conservative outlook, but otherwise just as he was. And when I showed up unannounced on his doorstep, he walked out and hugged me without so much as a second thought. It was wonderful. There may be a few things he would like to have talked about with me, but they will have to wait for another time. For now, he is sending me all sorts of conservative emails. I appreciate the thought, anyway.

I'm going to drag him out for coffee the next time I'm in town. Probably sometime next summer, for the reunion. Beth is in charge (again) and I'm not sure when she will schedule it. I'll try to find out so I can get a decent price on the tickets. Maria will come with me for a portion of the time, and we'll visit Mom and Terry while we're there. Then I will send her home and visit friends for the remainder of my vacation. It worked out well this year, and I think it will work next year as well.

Mom is doing all right, and called me on the cell phone the night before last. I'll email you this as well, so I know you see it.
She is having some trouble with her memory, and doesn't seem to be willing to do what needs to be done about getting the house ready to sell, but I think they will be okay. Terry is just so much stronger than I, she can steamroll over Mom's objections and clear out all the unnecessary stuff. I am going to claim the pictures, though. I almost brought them home with me last week, then decided against it at the last minute. Another regret. I keep adding them on, don't I?

It would be nice to have them here with me.

A fantasy

You come to me, or tell me to come to you. You take my arm and lead me inside. You tell me to strip, and I do so. You lead me to the bed, and tell me to lie down.

You tie me, so tight I can't possibly pull free. Should you leave me there, I would be stranded. I see you get out the paddle, and you begin. You spank me, and then you get out the cane. I freeze, knowing what is coming. And you strike. Over, and over. Marking me, giving me bruises I can take home with me, bruises that will last for weeks.

You turn me over, and begin on my breasts. Whap, whap, whap. Each strike deliberate, each mark designed to let me now how careful you are being with me.

You bring out the paddle again. This time, between my legs. You strike my thighs, softly at first, then slowly increasing in intensity. Suddenly, you stop. You take careful aim, and softly strike my cunt. You run the blade of the paddle up between my lips, and then strike again, and again, until I can't stop coming.

You watch me for a while, and then get out the clamps. I know what is coming, and while I'm frightened by the pain, I want you to do this to me. I want it, and yet I can't tell you. You put them on, and I gasp.

When I can open my eyes, I see you reaching for the plug. Yes, I think, Oh God yes. Fill me. Fuck me hard, and let me feel you inside me for days. And you do.

You look me in the eye, and tell me that I belong to you. I agree. Heart and mind, body and soul, I am yours.

You position yourself over me, so I can lick your ass while you pull on the chain and rub my clit so I come through the pain.

When you are satisfied that I am truly yours, you turn around and fuck me. You shove your cock inside me, filling me completely. You feel yourself getting ready to come, and pull out, climbing up the bed to my mouth. You fill my mouth, with the taste of you, and the taste of me. And you can see that I love it.

After, you tell me that you know. That no matter who you love, or what the circumstances, for me it will never be over. And you're glad.

This is the dream I had last night.

Hi there. Just wanted to talk for a bit.

I keep having this conversation in my mind, (one sided, of course) in which I tell you all sorts of things, and you understand them, and just accept them as things that are, not things I think I can change, and none of them hurt you.

And one of these days, I'll tell you all about it if you like.

But not today. I'm learning to be patient. When the time is right, I'll know it. Or you'll tell me to tell you and I will. But for now, it helps just to tell you I have things to say.

Please be happy. I don't think I can bear it if you aren't.

I told you the truth this morning. I have never trusted anyone else that much, and I have never felt that way toward anyone else. In fact, if anyone else ever tried to make me that vulnerable, I think I would probably laugh in his face. Either that or slap him silly.

But you're different. I send you chatty little emails, wishing you well, and inside I just want to hop right back onto that airplane and throw myself at your feet.
You know that I will behave myself, and stay put, because that is what you tell me you want. And because your happiness is what I want.

Does that make me a masochist? Maybe. Self destructive? Absolutely. But there you are.

I miss you. I get up at a completely unreasonable hour every morning, if I sleep at all, just to watch the screen to see if you're going to talk to me. I function, I go into the office, and I get my work accomplished, and I fulfill my other obligations, because I know that you would be disappointed and unhappy if I was unable to do so. But for the most part, I don't care about them anymore.

But I have to go now. My bladder calls. And you know how demanding it can be.

It is almost a quarter after four in the morning, and I'm in the office writing to you. Seems appropriate, doesn't it? After all, where else would I be after an evening of socializing with my peers from the office? Even if there were fifty of us, and only four of us were women.

Sometimes working in a software development environment leads to social situations where one would think women would be welcome, but which turn out to be mainly opportunities for displays of testosterone poisoning. These guys are all young, and very smart, and pretty well off, and so they think the world should bow down before them. Until they get to be a certain age, when others of their ilk begin to torment them about moving to India for an arranged marriage. The manager who is leaving is such a man. He is a very nice guy, lots of fun to spend time with, and very good at what he does, but they tease him an awful lot about his inability to find a girlfriend.

Tonight was one of those occasions, for the most part. They were glad to have us there, but not because we are women - just because we are part of the team. To them, we're guys with different bits. Sometimes refreshing, and always welcome inside the office, but not designed to make you feel better about yourself as a person. Oh well... if I wait for someone to tell me I'm okay, I'll still be waiting at the turn of the next century.

I don't know if you will read this, or when, but I need to talk to somebody, and you've always been the one I have gone to when things were rough. And things are rough today.

I'm avoiding anyone who might be nice to me, because I know what will happen. They will say something nice and I will have to turn away, because I start crying all over again. One of my flaws, I guess, is that I can't stand to have people being good to me when I am miserable. Somehow when I feel this unlovable, having people care is just too much.

Not you, though. I have always felt comfortable letting you see me in all my moods, with my flaws and my self destructive tendencies in full bloom. I wish I could tell you everything, but that would hurt you. And no matter how much I feel like hurting myself, I can't bring myself to do that to you.

The cigarettes (yes, I did stop, for the entire night) are a comfort to me. Some small hurt that I endure which lets me know that I can. They are self destructive, I know, and I will stop eventually, but for now they are a slow death, and much less destructive than any of the other things that were floating unbidden into my head on Sunday and that still show up now and again.

I wish you were taking better care of yourself. I wish you weren't in pain.

This evening I have to attend a party. One of our managers is going to India, and we are taking him out for beer after work. And I will smile, and make small talk, and be the woman they have come to know over the past few months. Pretending is something I need to get better at.

And I still get up every morning at five to look for you.

I am glad you have someone you love that much.

Honestly. Makes it all easier, somehow.
Not easy, but easier.

I had a wonderful weekend. Learned a lot, enjoyed every minute.

I wasn't kidding about sleeping with the rope. I took a nap with it this afternoon - drifted right off to sleep. And the pink skirt still smells like you. Suddenly it has become my favorite, even though it really is indecent a good portion of the time.

I hope I haven't said or done something to upset you. You said to go, and I did. I am concerned that you haven't let me know that you arrived safely, at least.

I'm going to be here until Tuesday morning, as you know, and I will be heading out to visit our mutual friend tomorrow evening. I'll let you know if I make any progress.

Take care,

Talk to you soon.

Sometimes I wonder how you know me so well. You know just when to push, and you know when to just let me get over whatever it is. I appreciate the fact that you know this far more than I can express.

Just the fact that you let me know you'll be there when I want to talk is so much more than I ever expected. I know I say this a lot, but you really are the best friend I've ever had. And I am pretty sure I would have made many fewer mistakes had I not been so damned stupid.

Thank you for caring.

You're amazing. That's all. Just had to be said.

And you taste wonderful.

You are delightfully wicked. This evening was certainly the most fun (but somehow, not the most frustrating) time I've spent in that office. And there's a first time for everything - I had to add clothing (or at least arrange it differently) to leave the office. Good thing, too. The temperature has come down, but only because the wind picked up. And the gold blouse (I may just show that one to you) has decided that it will unbutton itself at will. And evidently it likes street corners to do it. A grand time may well have been had by the guy waiting at the stop light. Nice car, though.

Did you know that the BART trains create wind? They push the air in front of them as they go through the tunnels. So if you manage to be on the steps at just exactly the right time, you get an updraft. A pretty strong one. Strong enough to lift the front of your skirt up past your, well, pretty much up past everything. And the back flies up pretty far as well. Luckily, there was no one in front of me headed up the stairs at the time. Not so luckily, there was a young man at the top of the stairs. And a red face was had by me for the remainder of the trip home. Thank you very much, stupid train.

But when I got into the car, I got to play with my nipples, and rub them, and pinch them, and if we don't release that damned software tomorrow I may just burst.

All in all, a wonderful evening. Thank you. And welcome home. Kind of.

You're home. I hope it was a good getaway and that you enjoyed yourself. Me, I'm almost finished with the release notes, and am getting ready for the next big thing. And yes, there is always something. I've got something due on the 15th, and haven't had an opportunity to start it yet. So that is the next thing on the agenda. But I'm not going to allow it to prevent me from enjoying my little vacation. I'm going to do all the things I have planned, and perhaps a few that I haven't.

You can go ahead and ignore the remainder of this entry. Just a little rant, mainly heat related, although I do at one point discuss getting naked in the office. Just so you know.

And I'm a real bitch today. The odds are good it is the heat. Well, that and the fact that I keep dreaming of you and then waking up and not being able to do anything for myself. It is no wonder I can't get any rest. And damn them for putting off the release. And potenitally putting it off again tomorrow, as there is a problem with the installer for the upgrade.

And I swear if I knew there wasn't anyone else coming in to the office today I would have this blouse off by now. I'm sitting here sweating and I just don't do sweat without one hell of a good reason. And yes, that's a good enough reason. Just being in the office isn't though.

I'll talk to you later, after I finish up this CR and email one of the engineers asking for info about the thing I have due on the 15th.

Damn I'm good. Found a card that might just work. And it only costs a few dollars more than the adaptor I was going to try. So I'll be heading to Fry's tomorrow after the gym. Haven't decided what to wear yet. Of course it will be a skirt, and stockings, and of course there will be nothing else under it, but which skirt is a matter to be decided. I only have the three that are really acceptable to you, and they are all freshly laundered and waiting to be packed. I'll be wearing one on the plane Wednesday, of course, but I would rather not have to do laundry again before I leave here, if it can be avoided. It is going to be hot again, though. So perhaps it would be best to go for the short skirt. Let me think... what would you have me do? Okay, that didn't take too much thought. I'll wear the black skirt, and just hand wash it if I don't do another load before I go. See - you make my life easier even when you aren't here. Or there, I guess. You know what I mean.

Ah, it is finally beginning to cool off. I've opened the window, so I can get some of the cool ocean breeze in here.

I am looking forward to hearing about your adventures in fishing. Have you accomplished everything you set out to do there? (Unless what you intended is something you and I both know I don't really want to know, that is.)

In any event, I hope you are having fun.

I am looking forward to some fun on Tuesday evening. I'll ask you when you get back if I should just wait until Friday, since it is getting so close. On the other hand, it may be that you want me to be a bit less anxious then, so I'll trust that you know exactly what you are doing, and will let me know when the time is right.

Well, man who makes me smile, I had best let you go. I need to get back to dreaming about you, so I can be at the gym early tomorrow morning. Going to be too hot in the afternoon, I'm afraid.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Hello again. Saturday night, about ten.
Halfway through the long weekend, and while I have accomplished most of what I wanted, I am feeling particularly unfulfilled. I'll be spending some time at the gym tomorrow, and take out my frustrations on the treadmill and the weight machines.

It is rediculously hot here. We went to get Maria's backpack at the mall, and it was 91 degrees. In Colma! I have no idea what the temperature was in San Jose when we left, but I'm kind of glad I didn't know. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. And yes, we were both in formals. Talk about uncomfortable. I'm just not used to these temperatures any more.

I might go in and work on Monday, as the only appointment for waxing I could get was at 4:45 on Tuesday. I'll put in some hours on the holiday and take off early Tuesday, and we'll all call it even. I still have a bit of work to do on the release, and with the power thing on Friday, I wasn't able to get to it. (What can you do with the network down?)

I picked up what I thought was the correct connector for the camera today, but I need to go into the store and discuss it with them, as it may only work from usb to serial port, and not the reverse. And that would seriously blow. But there is a Fry's on the peninsula, and so I can probably get what I need, if this won't do it. And if worst comes to worse, I'll just bring the laptop home every day. It has a usb port. The one I have here is older, and not so well equipped.

Or maybe I can get a card for it. Horrifyingly expensive, I'm sure, but it has to be better than beating myself up over it.

In fact, I think I'll wander over to the Toshiba website and look around.
Talk to you soon.

By the way, yes, I do miss you terribly. And I'm starting to get that old familiar butterflies in the tummy feeling about the trip. But first things first, and I'll bend your ear about that later.

As I sit here in the office, watching the minutes tick by until I can say - one week- I'm getting more and more nervous.

Probably understandable, and actually, now that I think about it, not at all unusual. I was always a bit uncomfortable in the days leading up to your return. Of course, this time is different, isn't it?

The release has been pushed off until Tuesday, which means I get to spend the whole weekend in a constant state of frustration, made worse by the fact that you're away, and I'm still not packed.

One minute... and it is now one week away.

I can't wait.

Hello

First off, I have a confession to make. Just now, I sat down at the computer to talk to you, and without even thinking about it, I started rubbing my left nipple. I'm sorry. I really am trying to remember.

This morning I was playing with that same nipple while driving down the freeway. It was really chilly - enough so that there was some frost on the windshield when I went out. So my fingers were cold, and felt so good on my bare skin when I reached inside my shirt (unbuttoned as usual) to pinch my nipple. It felt so good, and made me feel just a bit closer to you.
Not something I will do too often, as it kind of took my mind off the road, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Fun, exciting, and just a bit frustrating, as I know I won't get any relief until we release the next service pack. I'm torn between wanting to release tomorrow, so I can have some fun over the weekend (and you know what kind of fun I'm talking about, don't you?) and wanting to wait until Tuesday, both because the work will be better, and because you'll be there while I'm describing what I'm doing.

The blinds are open, as ordered. I won't be sleeping in this weekend as the sun comes in pretty early, but then I have things to do anyway. Not the least of which is packing for the trip. I can't believe it is less than a week until I leave here, and seven days, four and a half hours until Friday at three.

I will be wearing the black skirt and black patterned blouse tomorrow when I see my author friend. I think he will probably notice a difference. The last time I saw him, I bought him lunch and he autographed his books for me. That was in November.

I can almost hear you telling me I've been up too long today, so I will head off to bed now.
Sleep well! Catch lots, or none at all if that's what will make the trip perfect for you.

My last post got lost.

It was all about the release, and the fact that it might be moved up until tomorrow. As I said, I'll believe it when I see it.

Then I blathered on a bit about my plans for the weekend. Coffee with my friend the author on Friday (near the office), meeting on Saturday, laundry on Sunday, packing on Monday.

Doesn't sound anywhere near as fun as yours will be. On the other hand, I will be vacationing next week.

One week, 23 hours or so. May I start counting the minutes?

I'll bet you're interested in what I did after we stopped talking this morning, aren't you?
Well, like the good girl I am trying to be, I waited until I got into the shower, (by the way, if we're continuing this shower in the morning thing rather than the evening as I have been accustomed to doing, I'll have to get up even earlier.) and then I finally was able to empty my bladder. Now, the bathroom is pretty chilly in the mornings, and has no heat (this is California- who needs heat?) so I stood there with my goosebumps, with the hot pee running down my leg, onto my foot, and then finally into the drain. With the hot water running for my shower, it kind of pooled there, getting all over both my feet, before washing down the drain. Strange feeling. Great relief, because it was getting pretty urgent, and warm, and wet in the cold bathroom. I'm not really sure how I feel about it.
No intense feelings, anyway.

And I spent the entire day just about climbing the walls, thanks to you. Not that I mind in the least, but you should know that you have that effect on me.

I was, however, able to get a decent amount of work done, so no punishment necessary for not concentrating. I remember. Willpower, and because you told me so. And yes, I do want to please you. More than I can find the words to say.

I have company here, so I had better go. Talk to you soon.

Something I forgot to tell you earlier - Marie (one of my coworkers) and I went out for coffee at the place across the street from the office. As we were crossing the street, I looked down and said to Marie, " Okay, am I even wearing a skirt?" It had managed to ride up so far it was covered by the bottom of my shirt. And it did the same thing on the way back. Silly skirt.

Talk to you soon,