Conversation

As you know, on Saturday I went on a bit of a road trip - left at 9:30 in the morning and got home at 4 Sunday morning. Just a quick jaunt from the San Francisco Bay Area to a tiny little town called Darwin, CA which is somewhere near Death Valley.

I did take some unnecessary risks, and I did get myself so tired that I managed to convince myself that you wouldn't really mind all that much if I were to die.

But as soon as I got home, I told you what I had done. And once again you showed me just how much you do care about my well-being. It wasn't the most enjoyable thing you've ever had me do, but I will remember it for a very long time, and attempt to avoid getting myself into those sorts of situations in the future.

Thank you for caring enough to make the punishment one I don't believe I will ever come to enjoy...

and one I will never forget.

Thank you for always wanting what is best for me. Thank you for understanding the level of stress I'm feeling and what needs to happen for me to lessen it just a bit.

Thank you for wanting me to be healthy and happy.

Thank you for caring.

Talked with the therapist this afternoon about taking the road trip. He seems to think it might be a good idea, provided I stay away from the water.

I'm having trouble saying no to people again. I need to remember that I belong to you, not to whoever happens to be on the other end of the phone line. I need to remember that you want me to be healthy, whole, and well rested in order to be able to be here for you when you need or want me.

I need to learn how to take the time I need to get rid of this stress, so I can concentrate on being the best I can be for you.

You are wonderful. You make me feel alive. You bring out a side of me that has been hidden away for years - maybe forever.

You listen without judging. You believe me when I tell you what I feel and what I fear. You are my friend.

You know me well enough to understand that while I may sound paranoid, I am not. You know my every mood - joyous, miserable, delighted, depressed. You know me better than I know myself.

You know how much I want to please you, and you know that what I want more than anything else is for you to be happy.

Well, Mr. "I don't have to play by the rules", I have found some of it. And the police can tell me where else you've pawned things, so I can go retrieve them too. Oh, and when the time comes to talk settlement? Every cent I have to pay for my own jewelry is coming out of your share.

Dick.

If you were closer

I don't think I would ever suffer from insomnia again.

What is new? Certainly my affection for you isn't. We've been best friends forever, it seems. My depression is new, and my fear... and until now I have tried to keep both from you as much as possible. But I can't protect you from this forever, and it really isn't fair for me to ask you to protect me by keeping me from getting emotionally attached to anyone I don't really know without telling you why I am asking.

But I have asked, and you have responded in the way only you could, and you have kept me from getting hurt again (and it wasn't even that the individual in question was offering anything - just that I am so damned needy right now.)

Thank you. For helping me, for caring enough to do so without demanding a reason, for taking the time to make sure I don't do anything we both know I am almost certain to regret.

Writing about someone else today.

How dare you? You claim to want to be my friend, to want me to feel better about myself and my situation, and then you have the nerve to say those things? And to make me be the one to deliver them?

How exactly do you think I feel now?

I miss you, and I want you, and I think of you all the time. I find myself driving down the street, imagining how your lips and teeth will feel on me. I dream of spending days, months, lifetimes making you smile.

You are incredible. Warm, sexy, loving, considerate, wicked.

Each time we talk I fall in love again.

Some people just don't deserve to be called human beings.

As I told you earlier, my friends are taking me out tomorrow and "making me beautiful" for the meeting tomorrow evening. Somehow, I don't think I'm going to want to repeat the experience often, but I have found myself being roped into attending a couple of other events with these same people over the weekend.

One of them wants to introduce me to a friend of hers. So she's taking me for a makeover, and a new dress, and doing my hair. And if I should ever see this man again after I've scrubbed all the gunk off my face, let my hair down and gotten out of the formal and into something comfortable, he won't even know who the hell I am.

But I will plaster the requisite phoney smile on my face and pretend that everything is just fine. And I will allow my friend to attempt to get me a date - even though I have absolutely no intention of giving this man the wrong impression.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I did move someplace where I don't know anyone.