Conversation

You had me get a necklace this week - with your name for me on it. I love it. And you know how much I enjoy wearing it for you.

Tomorrow I get my collar. I don't know which is more exciting.

But I do know it means you care for me as much as I do for you.

Perhaps it isn't the end of the world, after all.

Leaving town for a couple of days. Got to get away for the weekend - too much going on to stick around. But then, you already know all this.

Talk to you soon.

You're home. And you made absolutely certain that I know that I still belong only to you. Thank you for thinking of me after what must have been a long journey.

Why is it I continue to convince myself that you don't love me any more? Why is it that every time these waves of depression come I begin to think that you wouldn't even notice if I was gone?

Why is it you are the only person who can still make me cry?

I wish everyone would just stop trying to "fix" me. I'm not even to the miserably unhappy point yet. At least let me get past the empty nothing and just want the whole thing to stop point before you start trying to shove positive thinking down my throat.

And it really doesn't help to tell me to "fake it until you make it" or that if I'm depressed and frightened the state is going to take away my daughter and put her in foster care. How exactly is that supposed to make me less depressed?

I know how broken I am. I know how much of a mess I am, what a disaster I've become.

I also know that every time you try to push me into getting better "now", I wind up retreating to bed for days at a time.

All I can feel right now are fear for my daughter and myself, nothingness and the desire for everything to just go away, and now guilt for not being able to protect her.

I'm sorry that I am not getting better on your schedule, but I really am doing the best I can. I've asked for help, and I am getting it, but I may never be the person you want me to be again.

(and no, Master, this doesn't include you. I know you accept and love me just as I am, no matter what.)

I am going to see my friend Matthew this evening. I will write to you and tell you this, of course, and he is the one you've said I can visit any time, so I don't feel guilty about doing so, but I need to talk to someone and I have made an agreement with him that he isn't going to try to "fix" me, he's just going to listen.

Everyone keeps telling me it isn't my fault. How can it not be my fault? I didn't come home when I should have, I didn't come and find you no matter what it took. You would never have done anything like this. You're not capable of it.

So it is my fault. And even if I did screw up and marry him, I should have left as soon as she was born. We both know that. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for this one.

And I'm not sure you'll be able to forgive me, either.

I miss you. I know you've been gone only a little more than a day, but I miss you like crazy.

I do adore you, and I know you have to take this time away to relax and to reconnect with your family, but still... I miss you.

One day down - six more to go. I'll look forward to your return and hope for the opportunity to spend some time with you next week.

I have a dozen or more things on my agenda for this week, and will remember what you require. I do adore you, and I do miss you terribly while you are away.

I long to taste you again, to feel your skin next to mine, to see that half-smile that makes me just a bit crazy.

To see the way you smile when I wake you up in the morning.

Thank you for letting me know that you will be out of town for a week or so. And thank you for agreeing to step in and help me with some of the things I haven't been able to accomplish since all this began in January. The depression is (very) slowly lifting, but as you know I still have times when it just seems so much simpler for everyone if I just stop.

And thank you for restricting me to two appointments a day. You were absolutely correct - I spent about three hours in the office this morning, and when I came home I had to go to bed for over four hours. I was (and still am) exhausted.

While I am not looking forward to completing my punishment in the morning, I do know you are having me do so in order to insure that I do not keep you in the dark in the future. I have been doing so for far too long, and now that you know the entire story, you have every reason to be concerned if and when you try to look in on me and find that you cannot.

I'm just about to take my evening medications and head off to bed. I am hoping that now that I am dreaming again I will begin to dream of you soon rather than the monsters I've been seeing lately. One more time waking up to keep myself from falling off a cliff or driving head-on into a semi and I may have to call the doctor early. She was right about the nightmares. And we may be increasing some of the meds to get rid of the dreams again. I hate not having lovely sexy dreams about you, but dreaming of being about to die every night is not really helping me feel safe out here. And we both know I can't be where I would really feel safe, so I have to learn how to deal with it.

I do still miss your touch, your smell, your taste. I miss the way your arms feel around me, the way you kiss my forehead, the way you hold my hand.

And the sex. I miss that too.

Thank you.

I know you don't read this often any more, and I know you will probably never see this particular entry, as I won't call your attention to it, but I need to say this to you anyway.

Thank you. You make me feel safe, or at least as safe as I can be under the circumstances. You push me into living somewhat normally, even when all I really want to do is sleep all day long. You make me believe I am important to someone, even when I don't feel very important to myself.

And these are just a few of the reasons you are the only one I really trust - and why you've been my best friend for so very long.

Some days, like today, I find it difficult to believe how lucky I am. Don't get me wrong - things are still just as rough, and I'm nowhere near ready to be declared "cured" or even "able to cope with that which we cannot cure", but I am still so very lucky to have you, and to have the opportunity to bring the girls down here to the convention and just see them smile.

Thank you for figuring out exactly what to do to help me sleep while away from the relative safety of the apartment, and after having spent days and days surrounded by crowds of people. You really do know me better than I do myself. And I will always love you for it.

I found a couple of characters I think you might consider interesting - I have some research to do, but the gentleman was carrying a two headed spear of some sort, and the young woman was kneeling at his feet, collared and leashed.

I got a couple of photos (on the phone, so I'm not certain how long it is going to take me to transfer them to the pc so I can send them to you) and I hope you'll enjoy them.

I'm looking forward to talking with you again soon.