Conversation

I need to face the fact that I have accomplished virtually nothing this week. Both at work, and in the effort to get my cash flow fixed. Need to do better at both.
I am going to have a bit of time this weekend, as DD will be gone on Saturday evening (and spouse is always gone after 9 pm) and the Super bowl is on Sunday. (DD and I watch, and snack on things we know are bad for us, while spouse finds someone else to do.) (and no, that wasn't a typo.)
I need to find all the medical stuff from last year, so I can get the refund from the med savings plan here at work. There are a couple of thousand bucks waiting for me in there, and I aim to get them. Maybe then I can get the bills all paid off. (wishful thinking, I know.)
But it will help. And I am going to try to convince spouse to give me one of his credit cards, so I can pay it off and make it available for the cruise in April. You hear me... we are going on a cruise in April. I am still (without a single hope of it being true) hoping you will somehow show up on this ship. And yet, I am so scared of your reaction, I can't even call you in advance to tell you I will be in town this summer. I will wait, and talk to your aunt and uncle when I have sent DD back here.
Chicken, that's me.
Missing you, that is really me.
If I could put your name into this blog, you might see it and know that I am thinking of you. On the other hand, so might anyone else, and that could be a not so good thing. Wouldn't want to come as a surprise to anyone you care about. Have seen enough surprises, need not be one.
So I wait. And dream of somehow running into you on the ship. Maasdam. April 25th. Out of FLL.
Just in case you do know it's me, and that I am writing about you.
Hope to see you there.

It is now Friday, and I have only about four more hours until I can go home and try really hard to forget about this place for the weekend. Please, let me be able to forget it.

Well, it seems that the blog is back. I couldn't reach it yesterday. I have six hours left here today, and I am already so tired I can't see straight.
The new project is a pain in the butt.
How can I say this without being whiney? I don't like getting in here at 7:30 in the morning. In fact, I didn't do it today. I know I need to do so tomorrow, but I was just so damned tired that I slept until after 6.

Have you any idea how early 5:30 is? I hate it that it is so dark I can't find the bathroom in my own house. And cold! Too cold to be walking around on those wood floors. Don't get me wrong, I love the wood floors, but at that hour? They need to be heated. And I need to win the lottery to afford it. Any lucky numbers out there?

I am going on a cruise on the 25th of April. I will be looking for you there, as I look for you everywhere now. I know you won't be there, as you don't even remember me (probably) most of the time, but I am thinking of you, and would love it if you just happened to be a passenger. Holland America. The Maasdam. Just lettin' you know.
There are probably still cabins available. And even though spouse will be there with me, if you show up I will be available too. And yes, he does know that I intend to spend the whole week flirting.

Waiting for the build at the office. The new project to which I have been assigned, at least for the moment. I wish I could just win the damned lottery and be done with it. I know I would still have to keep the job, for the health insurance, but it would sure be easier to get up in the mornings if it wasn't so necessary.
Don't know why. Don't really care why. I just know that I am so tired of being tired that all I want is a month to do nothing but sleep. And really sleep, with none of this Sunday night insommnia I keep having to contend with. I really hope I don't dream of you tonight. I just want a solid 6 hours of sleep. Is that too much to ask?
Do I really have to be here at 7 again tomorrow so I can work with the people from the east coast? Wah!
That means getting up at 5 again. And not getting more than about 4 hours of sleep. Why couldn't I go out there to learn how to do this?
Ugh.

Where am I?

Are you okay? I was at a Rainbow function with DD and she was inside rehersing while I was napping in the car (you try getting up at 5 on a Saturday to take your kid to Gilroy) when I heard someone calling my name. It was a man, but I don't know who. I think it might have been you.

Spouse ( who still refuses to die, even though he promised) got his cast removed yesterday. He has a nasty infection where they put the pins into his hand to keep it stable while it healed. Except he told me he didn't have to have the surgery, because he was afraid that if I took a day off to take him in to have pins put into his hand, my boss would fire me. How much does that suck, exactly?
No, I don't want to continue the way we have been, and no, I haven't given up the idea of getting myself separated from him, but no matter what, he shouldn't need to feel that I can't take him for surgery if he needs it. He was there for me while I was expecting DD, and needed to have my bp recorded every four hours. Is it any wonder that I hate my job? My life? Except DD, that is. Wouldn't trade her for anything on earth. Not even for you, love.
Sorry. But you had to find out sometime. She comes first.

Well, I wondered why this wasn't appearing. Perhaps it will now.

Joined a gym last night. DD's cholesterol is still high, but not as high as we thought. So we will be going at least a couple of times per week, and getting ourselves ready for summer. I leave on the cruise at the end of April, and would like to be able to wear a bathing suit at least part of the time.
I need to get some weight training in, as well. I seem to be shrinking. DD keeps saying she will meet me in the middle, as she is now 5' 1.5" and I am now down to 5' 4".
Yup, I have lost 1.5 inches since you told people I needed a step stool to get into bed. Thought I would forget, did you?
Maybe that can be how I identify you if you call rather than coming by. You can list all the ways you teased me about my height.
But you probably don't remember them anyway.
I do.

Yesterday was the third anniversary of my father's death. It was also the 38th anniversary of my grandfather's death. My cousin Janet died yesterday.
If I didn't understand why it is suddenly so important that I reconnect with the people I love prior to this, I do now.
I hope you do too.
Janet, i wish you a good journey, and I am certain Grandpa and Daddy will take good care of you.
Me, I may never get out of bed on the 19th of January again.

I think your brother is back in our home town? It sure looks like him, from the search site I went to. Amazing how many people there are with your names. His is not so surprising, but yours, now that was interesting to find in all those places. Your classmates listing says you are self-employed, and I cannot wait to find out what you have decided to do with your life. I know that you were in the Air Force for twenty years, and I know that you retired at 38 or so, so what have you been doing for the past couple of decades? (not quite, but you know what I mean.)
I hope you will be happy to see me. I hope we can be friends again.
I miss being your friend, and you know you were always my closest friend. Goodness, we told each other everything. Lots of things we didn't say to anyone else, that's for sure.
I miss you. I miss hearing from you. I miss having you as my friend. The fact that you were good in bed is secondary, as I have the horrible feeling you are probably married again. Ugh.
It never gets easier, does it?
See you in the summer, I hope.

Well, I think I have just gotten myself talked into volunteering for yet another project... Grand Assembly. The first weekend in April, I get to go to Fresno. There is nothing whatsoever in Fresno. Why do I do these things to myself?
Hell, I don't even know how to *get* to Fresno. Mapquest, here I come.

I do not know why I continue to spend every spare moment thinking of you. Have I suddenly turned into a teenage boy, who thinks of sex every fiftten seconds? Or is the middle aged woman thing starting to happen? I sure do wish I could stop this.

I have decided that I will look up your address before I visit, and drive by to see where you live. I won't stop, but I may look at the neighborhood.
Perhaps I will even see you. I will be sure not to draw attention to myself, if I do. But it would be great to talk to you again.
This is crazy.
But it is what I need to do. So more power to me, right? I mean, I could just sit around and think about it for a couple more years, but then if anything happened I would never forgive myself.

So, look out Ohio, here I come. And, my dear, I hope to see you this summer.

There is a website that may have your address. I am debating. It would be very interesting to have it when I am in Ohio during the summer, but would that be too much like stalking?
On the other hand, what is this?
And I do intend to at least visit the town I think you live in, so having a starting point would be something. But could I refrain from going up to your door? Something to consider.
The obvious consideration is your family. Don't want to upset the life you have made for yourself, if you are happy. And I do hope you are happy. Although that would put a damper on my overly active fantasy life, wouldn't it?
You can see my dilemma.
What would you do if you were looking for me?
(Wishful thinking, I know.)
But I do have to consider all the consequences of this. Twenty plus years is a very long time.
But I do love you.
I will decide before I come to Ohio.

Had lunch with my friend today and he wanted to fix me up with one of his coworkers. I told him that would be fine, but he didn't take me up on it. I think he was just kidding. Too bad. I could use a little fun. On the other hand, he did say the guy was about 40 and still lives with his parents.
So maybe not.
Just wait till this summer. I am hoping to run into you somewhere. I think I know what town you are in, and I am also planning to be in town for the festival. Hope you are there. It would be nice to see you and find out that you are okay. I do hope you are happy. I always did.

It didn't come. I waited. I am a fool.
I did speak to my sister about you, and she is still a bit on the bitter side. But I think she understood why I have tried to get over it, and move to a place where the good is what I remember.
I miss you.