Conversation

Talked to the sister today. She seems to think that Carl may have some bad feelings about those years. I don't know... you guys were all so far ahead of me, that I may very well have missed it.

I do know he was my friend, and I really want to see him. So if you know where he is...
Let him know my life hasn't exactly turned out as planned, either.

Hope yours has.

Hello, its me.
That particular song seems to say what I have been feeling for a while now. I really do miss you, and I don't want to mess things up for you, but I would love to have you back in my life. Can you understand that? Or is it one of those things you see in passing, but never take to heart? I know now that you loved me more than I ever imagined. And I know that you have always known that I still love you. It would be wonderful to imitate the Alan Alda flick, Same Time Next Year, but I don't know that you are available for such an arrangement. (although it never did stop you when we were married)
Even a written correspondence would be so much better than this silence. It has been so long since I have heard anything of you. I sometimes wonder if you are still even around. I hope I would hear if anything had happened to you, but I just don't know. Daddy would have told me, but he isn't here any more, and my mother and sister are just completely against even speaking of you.
I don't know... if I can let go of the anger, why can't they?

The days pass so quickly now... vacation is just around the corner. Less than five weeks until the cruise, and then we begin to pack and prepare for the trip to Ohio. I am hoping to hear from Carl before we leave, but will send another email the day before we get on the plane. I intend to ask him to at least call Terry. Whatever problems he may have with me, have nothing to do with her. They were friends long before I came into the picture. You were her friend too, but she seems to be content to look at the past as though it is the present. I have to remember that nobody won. We all lost. And in the process, I left all my friends behind. I miss you. You were ( are ) the best friend I have ever had. I do not want to spend the remainder of my life without you.

We were friends first, and I hope we can be friends again.

Maybe it really is just about the sex. If so, I am hoping our mutual friend is unattached. He would be a good choice. In fact, he would have been a good choice then as well.

If it is just sex.

If, on the other hand, it has anything to do with love, well, you know as well as I that there is only one.

This job requires an annual review. It is less personal and hurtful than the ones Oracle management used to hand out, but still stings. It is as though they must find the one thing to say that will hurt you the most, and not only do they say it, they harp on it for an hour.
Then they tell you to do everything better next year, and compare you unfavorably to one of their favorites.

Is there a way to make it less unpleasant? Of course there is.
Will they do so? Hell no.

I am going to write to Carl again just before I leave for Ohio. I will ask him to call my sister, because his name came up first when I mentioned that I was going to look up old friends, and she told me she would love to hear from him.

I will also give him my cell phone number, and email address. I will let him know when we are coming into town, and when we leave, and I will leave the rest to him. He knows where the house is, as do you.

I miss him. He was a good friend. I hope I hear from him. Even if it isn't while I am back there, I hope he contacts me.

I miss you, too.

Looking forward to seeing you soon. In fact, I am so excited about the idea, I think of little else. I will be ready to spend the entire week catching up with everything you have said and done for the past twenty-three years. It has been too long. And I have been remiss. And I do not want to continue without you in my life. It doesn't have to be anything romantic. But we were so close, we can't just let that go forever, can we? Can you?

I miss you.

And I am getting really tired of doing everything for everyone else. So this I am doing for me.

Where have you been half my life? I know where you were the first half, but where are you now, and what the hell happened to our friendship?

Let's deal with this, before we both wind up old and full of regrets.

When exactly did I become the bleeding-heart liberal of the group? My old friends describe themselves as "depends on the issue" (the least troubling) to "ultra-conservative".
Me? Middle of the road to liberal, depending. I just can't wait to debate the gay marriage thing while I'm back there.

And the really strange thing? I am one of the most conservative people I know. (at least out here!)

Very strange. And a little bit frightening. Weren't we all of similar minds the last time we spoke? So who changed?

And how much? Did I become a completely different person without even noticing?

She (spouse's girlfriend) called at a quarter till seven this morning. What the hell is that about? I can't get him out of bed by noon, and she calls at 6:45 and he is out of the house by 7?
And the dickweed doesn't know why I have stopped caring that he has this person on the side? (Well, not really on the side, as we haven't been a couple for a large number of years.)
I just wish he would spend a little more quality time with DD. She is innocent in all this. I may very well be the biggest bitch in the world, (heaven knows I have the worst taste in men.) but she is loving and wonderful.

He needs to be nicer to her.

Sorry I missed yesterday. I kind of like having a daily or almost daily record of just how much I am obsessing over this sort of thing.
Had the headache from hell. For four days. Needed to sleep, and since I have been planning this trip, sleeping has mostly given way to dreaming about all the wonderful things we will all have to say to one another when we get together. I wish.

I don't understand why it is so hard to say yes to coffee.

But I guess I will have to try.

This blows. I am unable to comprehend what it is that makes a person think it is okay to wait a week or more to answer an email. I understand that access might be at a premium, or that the job, or family circumstances may not allow for the ten times a day checking and answering of email that I accomplish, but a week? Please.

It isn't like we parted on unfriendly terms. We didn't fight (ever) and we didn't even really say goodbye. You should be able to come up with something to say to me, even if it is "no thanks".

But I hope you don't turn me down. I can't think of a good reason not to have a cup of coffee with someone you used to know. In a public place. At your convenience.

Am I asking too much?

"I have known many,
and liked not a few,
but loved only one
and this toast is to you."

Some things never change.
Hope your St. Patrick's Day is a happy and safe one.
love you, always

If it comes right down to it, I will have one hell of a time all by myself out there in the hinterlands. I can visit people, I can (not) go skating, I can swim in Beth's pool. I won't have time to worry about what anyone else thinks. I will be okay.

I know you aren't really reading this, by the way

New engineer working on one of my projects now. I haven't had an opportunity to get to know this guy, and am not really certain he will be as forthcoming as the other engineer was. I hope it works out, as I am not at all stable in this position, and being able to work with the guys has been one of the things in my favor.
Just so you know. I may be looking for work instead of vacationing this summer.

Patience is for weenies.
I hope that I am able to see at least some of my friends while I am in Ohio. If not, I will attend the festival, get the electric worked on at the house, and spend a day at the library. Visit the cemetery, spend a little time with my mom, cry a little.
You know, the usual.

I must be patient. I will be patient. I have had months to consider every word, every phrase. He has had less than a week. I will wait patiently. More so than I can stand.

The headache of which I spoke yesterday is still with me. I am hoping it is just a headache. I don't have that much extra brain left.

If I do not hear before then, I will write again the week before I go. I will give the dates, and my cell number. If he chooses, he can call.

If you see this, remember that I love you.

I think I may be having another stroke.

I hope I remember this time.

Okay, you have the mail. (yes, I am talking directly to you now.)
Answer me. It has been three days. Certainly you have had time to think about it by now. It is just coffee, for goodness sake. I am not asking for a lifetime commitment.

I imagine you feel the need to discuss it with people. I really am not trying to start anything. Really. I just want to catch up with some old friends. Is that so wrong?

Coffee. That's all. And chat.

Then I will go home to San Francisco. I promise.

Well, Carl has received and opened the email. All I can do now is wait. I hope he is receptive to meeting and talking. He's a good guy, and I am sorry that we haven't kept in touch.

I would love to hear about all he's done in the last few decades. It sounds as though he has had quite the life.

Waiting sucks.

But then, it has taken me months to get the courage to write to him. I can give him a few hours to write back. I guess.

I emailed Carl today. I am hoping that he will want to get together, and bring a few friends. ( I know, wishful thinking, but at least I am optimistic about something!)

I sometimes wonder if he knew how big a crush I had on him? I know, I know. When you came home everything else stopped. But you were away an awful lot. And he was really cute, and had such a great voice. And the pipe? Killer.

But still, it was always you. And everyone knew it. Even me.

Perhaps I will write you a note, and place it with the card in an envelope. Then I can say a few words about friendship, and wanting to see you, to speak with you, to have you in my life in that way, at least. (although I wouldn't put it quite that way.)
Then I could sign it the way I used to.

Always,
Ellie

Dark days.

Who knows how long we have. We are by nature, fragile beings. We need to maintain contact with those we love. It becomes too late so soon.

Spouse has had some bad news. Terrorists in Madrid. Over 190 dead, 1400 injured. During rush hour on a weekday. Bastards. ETA, may not be the ones, but they have done enough damage to be likely suspects. Arabs also suspected, although why Madrid, I don't know. They are allies in the Iraq thing, but that really hasn't rained on anybody's parade lately.

I really hope they are all okay. I may not have *those* feelings for him, but nobody deserves to have his family endangered.

Bastards.

My neighbor had her cat put down today. Supposedly scratched her badly, and was acting peculiar.

I hate that she does this.

I almost don't want to live there any more. Almost.

I need a vacation. Two, maybe.

I spend too much time thinking of you. I dream of you at night, and lately I have been having some pretty strange dreams, too.
Last night I was visiting Bill Gates' cat. A very intelligent cat, it caught a mouse and then, to free its mouth for others, stuffed it under its collar for transport. Beautiful cat, with a dead mouse hanging over its collar. I need to be getting some sort of life.

I miss you. I miss having a best friend. Someone with whom I can talk about anything. Anything. Even how irritating it is that spouse doesn't answer his cell phone, so his girlfriend calls the house. Wouldn't be so bad, except she hangs up on me all the time. Bitch.

So, when are you going to start writing back? (I know, after I let you know where this is so you can read it, right?)

I am thinking about the window again. It is right behind me. It would only be a little while... I can't leave DD. I don't want to leave DD or you. But when I think about another thirty years of this, the window calls to me.
Today it calls. And a part of me wants to answer.

I wish you were reading this. I wish you were here to talk to me about all the things that go on in an office environment, that he doesn't understand. I really would like to have someone with whom I could have a complaint-fest in the evening who would get it. It isn't all bad, just irritating, and everlasting, and not able to do anything-able. You understand, because you spent years working in the hospitals. And the military is nothing if not irritating. And frustrating.
I miss being able to have a conversation with someone who is older than 13, and understands that daily irritation and frustration is not the same thing as wanting to kill people.

So I pour my heart out to you here.

And you never answer.

Well, I guess that about does it.
What, you ask?
Why, it finishes all the conversations spouse and I have ever had about why he isn't my best friend, and all the conversations we will never have about what he can do to become my best friend.

Juanita. He lies all the time. She continues to call the house. He continues to hide the bill for the cell phone. It is a mess, and he lies about it all the time.

I really need to get on the phone to the IRS and straighten out all of my stuff. Really. Right after I do all the rest of the things that make me want to puke. Like volunteer for mulitple reviews at work. Or send Juanita an invitation to DD's birthday party. ( like that will ever happen...)

Pantaloons tonight. Apron lay-out tomorrow night. Dress over the weekend. The taxes too. He can be gone, and I will just do the taxes. I have all the stuff, so it isn't like I can't do it. Just hate to start. Once I get going it will be fine. It's not like I am going to owe more. In fact, they probably will have to credit me with all the taxes I paid in last year. But still...

And I do wish he would just tell me the truth. That is something I will never forget. You may have had some pretty harsh things to say, but you always told me the truth. Even when it was about sleeping around. You were doing it, but you were up front about it, and it didn't really seem to be a reflection on me, so much as a reflection of the other things that were going on. Yes, it hurt, but nowhere near as much as his lies have hurt. They ( among other things) have destroyed any chance there was of this working. Ever.

What if you don't want to see me? What happens then? Do I concentrate on our other friends, and never again plan a trip back there? Do I spend the entire week crying my eyes out, and making myself sick as a dog? (Like I haven't done that before...)

Plan B seems to be in order. I will have to spend some time on it.

I do know that I need to find Carl. Sister would like to hear from him as well.
And he was a really good friend, on whom I had a huge crush one year. Although he probably doesn't know that. Or if he did, he has probably forgotten. Cherry blend tobacco. One of the scents I will never forget.
Another is English Leather. On you.

I hope you will be there when I am. That would just be a royal pain in the ass, wouldn't it?

Soon.

Spouse gave me permission to see you. He thinks it will be okay if I look you up while I am in Ohio this summer. No, I didn't tell him that is the point of the whole trip. I should have, but we were stuck in the car for an hour and a half, so it would have been kind of rough.
How dare he? He, who has been keeping in touch with his ex-wife for the last fifteen years, at least. What possible right can he think he has to tell me who I can contact, or with whom I can be friends? He and his girlfriend seem to think I am stupid, and will put up with this crap forever. Not this girl. I am getting the taxes done, if it kills me, and then I am getting the automatic payments of the phone bill and the life insurance transferred to the other bank. I will then decrease the amount going into the bofa until it is at a level at which I am comfortable. How 'bout 200/month? Sound good to you?
Sounds fine to me. Especially since he seems to think I am responsible for his credit cards as well.

Rat bastard.

We should have had Paris.

Things have changed since I saw him last. I have changed. I am certain he has as well. There are those who would say we should never meet again, but I believe they are wrong. I need to know that he is okay, and I think he is aware of this. I keep getting the feeling that we are in each other's minds, somehow. I have had a friend with this ability before, so it is not one with which I am unfamiliar. It does seem odd that it is just happening now, but I have not concentrated on him in such a long time, that if it was there before, I just wasn't receiving it.
I know we had it when he was in Germany, and I think we had it before then as well. I knew what he was going to do when he got home, and I was never surprised when he showed up unannounced. It was always as if I was waiting for him. Even though I never knew exactly what day he would arrive.I was always home and usually looking out the window when he drove up for the first time. And when he picked me up at the game, I didn't even know he was in the country. But there he was, and it was as though he had never left. He is thinking of me. And I think of him.

I wish Randy was still around. I think it would be good to talk to him. About you, and about other things. He had a good head on his shoulders, if you could get through the bullshit. And I seemed to be able to get through. At least once. I think I should have known he was out here. I think I should have been able to help him. I think I feel a little guilty.

I didn't know where he was. If I had, I would have seen him. And things would be different. He might still be gone, but things would be different. My outlook, for one.

Too young. Too stubborn. Too much like us.

Hey - Love of my Life...
I am leaving on a cruise on the 25th of April. I would really like you to be on it. Hear me? I will be looking for your name. Or your picture. Or listening for your voice when I am drinking alone in the Crow's nest.

I know. Wishful thinking. But it sure would be nice. Save me a bunch of trouble trying to find you in June, as well. I could just ask for your address. Wouldn't that be easier?

Hope to see you. Will be thinking of you.

Speaking of my being wrapped up in you, why is it all my fantasies lately wind up with us either remarried, or otherwise committed to one another? In the beginning it was all sex, sex, sex, and loads of fun. Now I seem to be wandering down the path of "break my heart again, I deserve it" and other such nonsense. The lyric " I won't ask for promises, so you don't have to lie" comes to mind. I really need to keep it at the forefront of my thoughts about you. Saying goodbye will not be so easy this time, I don't think.

But I love you. And I want you to be happy, because I love you. And sometimes that kills me.

It really bites that I have to keep this little secret. I am sitting here trying to work, and all I can do is think of how much I want to see you. What the hell is wrong with me? It has been over twenty years. You probably aren't even the same person any more. I sure as heck am not. We have separate lives, and might not even like each other any more. So why am I so wrapped up in this?

Is this the end? Is that why it has become so important to me? Have I become old, and afraid of dying alone? Or is there something happening on your end, that has touched me?

Why don't I know?

Why is June so far away?

I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I was made Queen of some small European country. While I was visiting Ohio.
It was interesting, to say the least. Becoming a monarch on an hour's notice is rather exhilerating. Kind of scary, too.

Over all, a fun dream, but I am kind of hoping for a less media intense trip.

Sister wants to know if I intend to work at the festival. I don't know. Maybe for a few hours, as a kind of tribute to Daddy, but I don't want to be tied down, at least not by the festival. What I would really like is to run into you on the first night I am there, and spend the rest of the week doing wild and crazy things. (If you know what I mean.)

Still, something to think about. And I will have to be around for Mr. Vertoli to look at the electric. I guess there is a problem with one of the circuit breakers. The joy of home ownership. Almost as much fun as my roof problems.

No thinking about that on vacation, though. I will enjoy myself. Even if I don't see you. I will see other people, and that will just have to be enough.

I think I will bring supplies with me, after all. It is supposed to be a fun trip, isn't it? I can't imagine expecting you to be at all prepared. And on such short notice? Yet I am unwilling to take chances. I don't know exactly where it has been, but I am sure it has gotten around a whole lot more than is safe.

We both have slightly sordid pasts, so better to be safe than sorry. And I do have a daughter to think of. She will want me around when she gets a bit older, I think.

Almost time for the last meeting of the day. Gotta go.

See you soon. You should have come to Paris. We would have been wonderful there.

Bought the tickets today. Oakland to Cleveland, arriving on June 18th at 4pm. DD leaves on the 22nd, after visiting my sister and mom, and the Canton assembly of Rainbow. I stay until the 29th. I will be looking people up starting on the 22nd, and will probably have made arrangements for at least one get-together before I even get on the plane. I will be stopping by the motel on my way back from the airport, to talk to your aunt. I will leave my card, with my cell number and my email address. Then I will proceed to try to find some of the other folks I have lost contact with over the years.

I know a couple of people who can probably put me in touch with Carl, and my sister would love to hear from him as well. So that will be the second item on the agenda. Maybe I can get that ball rolling via email from here. I have Glen's email address, and Beth works on the school board with Emmy. Between the two of them, they should have some idea where to find him.

A few people from my class need looking up as well. Cathy, Cassandra, Danny, some others. I know Beth will get in touch with Frank, and some others to see me before I leave, so I will need to have either Friday or Saturday evening free. Probably Saturday, as I believe she mentioned a picnic. (She has a pool.)