Conversation

Good morning. I promised you dreams, didn't I? Yeah, well the dreams last night were a little on the bizarre side.

The one I remember best had me working in the personal ad department of some publication. And my whole job seemed to be explaining acronyms to people who called in to place ads. Considering my dislike of acronyms, it seemed somehow appropriate.

Hell, I don't know what it means. I'm not in the business of interpreting dreams - just reporting them.

With any luck, tonight's will be less esoteric and more erotic.

I do wish you were going to see the dress I'm planning to wear on Sunday before I wear it. I think you'd approve, of the neckline at any rate.

I'll let you know what the reaction is. (I have the feeling I may be deemed unsafe for afternoon parties.)

(some afternoon parties, anyway.)

Happy Halloween. I know it is early, but we here in San Francisco celebrate the entire weekend. It's the queer holiday of choice, you know.

I've been thinking (dangerous, I know). You're a hell of a nice guy. I like you. I enjoy talking to you about just about everything.

Read any good books lately?

Yeah, that too. Okay, that most of the time, but still... you are a nice guy.

One of the bloggers I regularly read posed a question today. He asked how easily and how deeply you trust. To be honest, there are very few people I trust with much. And only one I trust completely. (Either I trust you completely, or I'm insane for going there after all this time without telling anyone where I would be, and asking you to do the things we did.)

I don't know why I trust you this way. I just know, somehow, that you would never put me in a position where you thought there was any chance I would be harmed.

I just wish I trusted myself as much.

The last post wasn't the one I intended to write. It is true, and so it does belong here, but it is very different than the one I started out writing.

What I intended to say was that although I am getting work done, I am finding it very difficult to concentrate. You manage with a single word to turn my knees into pudding. And I think you get a kick out of it. At least I hope there's a smile on your face. There is on mine. And I'm really glad I have no meetings scheduled today. Don't think I'm up to answering questions just yet.

But I don't think I will have the same difficulty tomorrow that I had yesterday.

You noticed that I was having a terrible afternoon on Friday. Thank you. One more reason I like you so much.

As far as patience goes, I'm doing a bit better. I didn't melt down until yesterday, and even then it only lasted for an hour or so, very early in the morning. That doesn't mean I don't worry, because I do. On the other hand, would I be me if I didn't?

I can't imagine how I survived getting a letter from you once a month or less often back then. Perhaps it was because at the time I believed you were immortal. Untouchable. Hell, I thought we all were. Although I still remember that slight feeling of panic every time they made unexpected announcements over the loudspeaker.

It has been a long time since I believed anyone was invincible.

Patience is not something with which I am overly endowed. This could be the understatement of the decade.

Waiting, trying not to let my worry show in my emails, sleepless nights followed by mornings that should be just for you, ending in frustration and tears. I didn't think I was capable of crying anymore. Until September, I hadn't cried in years.

Perhaps tomorrow.

Please remind me that I belong to you and not to all the people who keep pulling at me. Remind me that it is okay for me to say "no" to them sometimes. Tell me I am not responsible for coordinating somebody else's custody arrangements.

Help me. I'm getting lost.

I dream every night. Most mornings I remember exactly what I dreamed. I seldom write about my dreams any more, because you know how they all end.

I have wonderful dreams about the two of us doing beautiful and wicked things together. They make me smile when I wake up in the morning. I enjoy thinking of them off and on during the day (when not occupied by work...) and wishing they could come true.

but I don't want you to start to see me as a whiny brat who constantly asks for something she knows she can't have.

The drive down to Palo Alto was uneventful. And I found a shady parking spot right away. Couldn't get any better than that, right?

Yeah. Wasn't taking into account the way I was dressed. And after I got out of the car, tugging at my skirt and telling it to behave itself and at least cover part of my legs, I walked right past him. Now, he was on the phone, and speaking Spanish, so I can't tell you what he said, but I know where he was looking. And it wasn't into my lovely green eyes.

One more tug, and the skirt became almost decent. I slipped into the building, and went to my appointment. By the time I returned to the car, he was gone.

Have I told you about my intense craving for carrot sticks? How about celery with peanut butter. Or cream cheese. Either way.

And toasted bagels. I bet you have great bagels where you are. Nice and toasty, crunchy and chewy, bliss.

I sincerely hope I wake up tomorrow with a painless jaw. I don't know how much longer I can stand eating nothing but things that don't require chewing.

And when I can finally open my mouth what do I want? You know. And no chewing would be involved.

Hi there gorgeous.

You don't really need to read this one. Just about a strange, drug-induced dream. I just needed to tell somebody about it to get it out of my head. Otherwise, I'll dream it again tonight.


Zyban lives up to its reputation. I had the strangest dream last night. One of those where you know you're dreaming, and yet things just play out and you can't stop them?

Yeah, that kind.

You were there, and it was after this summer, but based on how we looked, it must have been at least ten years ago. And Maria was there, but almost grown up. (Told you it was strange.) We kept seeing each other, and not really talking. Passing on our separate ways, so to speak. At one point we were sitting at a table in some cafe, finally getting a chance to talk... but the entire place was filled with people we knew, and they all wanted to talk to you.

Then it gets a bit bizarre - a waterbed springs a leak, (and neither of us was in it.) Maria is chastising me for being out too late on a work night. (this actually sounds like something she would do.) In the end, I found myself sitting on the ground in front of the door, and we finally talked on your way out.

Strange. I, for one, was hoping for something a little bit sexier. But that's just me, I guess.

Not looking forward to a repeat tonight, however.

Hi there gorgeous.

You don't really need to read this one. Just about a strange, drug-induced dream. I just needed to tell somebody about it to get it out of my head. Otherwise, I'll dream it again tonight.


Zyban lives up to its reputation. I had the strangest dream last night. One of those where you know you're dreaming, and yet things just play out and you can't stop them?

Yeah, that kind.

You were there, and it was after this summer, but based on how we looked, it must have been at least ten years ago. And Maria was there, but almost grown up. (Told you it was strange.) We kept seeing each other, and not really talking. Passing on our separate ways, so to speak. At one point we were sitting at a table in some cafe, finally getting a chance to talk... but the entire place was filled with people we knew, and they all wanted to talk to you.

Then it gets a bit bizarre - a waterbed springs a leak, (and neither of us was in it.) Maria is chastising me for being out too late on a work night. (this actually sounds like something she would do.) In the end, I found myself sitting on the ground in front of the door, and we finally talked on your way out.

Strange. I, for one, was hoping for something a little bit sexier. But that's just me, I guess.

Not looking forward to a repeat tonight, however.

Let me tell you a little story.

On December 31st, we will have been married for fifteen years. You already know this, but it is the only way to begin that will make sense.

There has always been a third party to this relationship, a ghost, if you will. He hasn't known it, but he always hovered there, just out of sight, waiting to be brought out. And he was. Every disagreement, every fight, every time things just weren't right, there he was.

Spouse's favorite thing to say to me when he's angry is this: "I know I'm not the great love of your life, but he left you because you are so..." The end of the sentence varies, depending upon the circumstances of the disagreement. But the ghost is always with me.

So when he began lashing out, it was natural that I would assume that he would think the best way for him to hurt me would be to hurt you. And I fell for it.

I don't think he knew what the consequences for him would be, but I do know that he is going way the hell out of his way to be nice to me for the last couple of days. Of course, this is all far too little, too late. If I had still been even a little bit undecided, this would have pushed me over the edge. As it is, it just makes it easier.

Funny, looking at it all written down, it almost seems that he was jealous of you. But having spent the last fifteen years with it, I know better. He drags you in to every conversation he can, because he knows it is still painful, and he just loves to rub salt in an open wound.

So, my ghost. Now you know a little bit more about how I've spent the last decade and a half. You've been there all along.

I really don't know how to start. I do know that you don't like it when I beat myself up over things, and yet until I hear from you, until I know you can forgive me, that is exactly what I'm going to wind up doing.

I have been so wound up lately, and so full of new and strange drugs that I'm finding it difficult to express myself with any sort of ... I seem to be brain dead right now. The words just aren't coming, and so I can't tell you how I feel.

I wish you could see my eyes, and I could see yours. You look at me and know everything. But you aren't here.

It was an adventure, all right. The reading was great. Mark did an excellent job, as did the other writers.

Mark is just about my height, and my weight. He has a buzz cut, and is going gray, and has mentioned in the past that when he goes to parties he feels suddenly very old. He's my age. One of the writers is a gentleman who does both poetry and comics, and whose arms are covered in tattoos.

It was a pretty good crowd, for a bookstore. The place is a secondhand bookstore, and they brought in about fifteen folding chairs and a number of catalogs. I got a catalog of the other items Mark's publisher puts out. She called him the most dangerout author they have. I'm not quite sure that is true, but he does push the limits.

Mark read "Daddy's Play Party", and had us all laughing. After, we all milled around and talked a bit about his new job, and what he is doing with the new book. (not erotica, I'm afraid.)

I got a new copy of Too Beautiful. And Mark autographed it again.

On the way back down 16th street, (it ws almost dark) I was walking alone, and the skirt does like to ride up...
There were three (very) young men standing outside a bar, and as I walked past them, one of them actually complimented my legs. In a strangely aggressive way, calling out "Hey Lady!, Look at those legs!" but a compliment none the less.

Have you any idea how long it has been since a man complimented me? Because I honestly can't remember the last time.

Yes, it was kind of scary at first, but by the time I got the rest of the way to the Bart station, I was flattered. Some guy calling out to me. Who would've thought.

We have a mutual friend who seems to think it is his civic duty to convert me. He keeps sending me emails that attempt to persuade me to see things his way. Most of the time I laugh at the jokes and ignore the rest, but sometimes I wonder why, since he knows where I live, he thinks I'll be convinced by some email.

Wonderful man, but certainly has the wrong idea about me.

And so the day begins. I sit here watching the minutes tick by, waiting. I'm not even sure what I'm waiting for any more. (funny - I thought these drugs were supposed to make me feel better. If this is better, where would I be without them?)

I know that in the long run it is in all our best interests, but right now it just feels as though I've damaged something beyond repair. Perhaps I have.

And you don't really need to hear this, do you? I'll try to stick to the cheery stuff from now on.

Any suggestions about what I should wear to the reading on Friday? I think he may be reading "Pretend". It has always been my favorite of his stories, and I would love to hear his interpretation of it.

I'll bring tissues. (it is a very emotional story - somewhere underneath all the smut.)

Can you spell foolish and stupid and paranoid? That would be me. Not feeling too good about myself right now. Filing for a legal separation tomorrow, or at least getting the paperwork done.

I guess he thought there was still some hope, even after all these years. I have no idea why - he's been telling me that he doesn't love me the whole time we've been together. And that probably says more about me than anything else I could ever say, doesn't it?

At least nobody got hurt. Of course, he may still believe I'll get over it and everything will be back to normal tomorrow. He would be mistaken if he believed that.

As I told him, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I simply cannot continue in this manner. I can't be responsible for him any more. I have enough on my plate just taking care of Maria and the house and all the bills and the cars and the job.

Is it any wonder I never seem to get around to taking care of myself?

And now you know the majority of this long, sordid story. He was angry because I wasn't unhappy any more. That is why he has been harassing me in the mornings. He wanted me to be miserable again.

I think he may have gotten his wish.

Today I'm going to try something different. I'm going to download all the things I'm thinking into an email, and then send it. Not to you. To me.

That way I get the satisfaction of actually voicing what I'm trying to contend with, and you get to not have to hear it.

Win-win, yes?

Happy Birthday.

Hope you liked the bow. It is silly, I know, but you wouldn't tell me what you wanted for your birthday, so I had to improvise. I did think of sending you flowers, but then I quickly thought better of it.

I do hope you have lots of fun things planned for the day, and that you are celebrating like crazy.

Lots to tell you, but not in this particular entry. Just birthday wishes, and tons of affection.

Have a wonderful day.

One of the many side effects of Zyban is particularly vivid dreams. As I have been having vivid dreams already, I'll have to let you know what happens. Should be interesting, to say the least.

I've gotten the drugs the ER doctor prescribed for me. I have started with the ibuprofen, and will take the other before bed tonight. Perhaps tomorrow I'll wake up with a jaw that moves.

Oh, I lost another four pounds this week. At this rate, I'll be skinnier than the anorexic women at the next reunion. Just don't know how many times I can dislocate my jaw to keep it up. (just kidding - I know what you want, and that isn't it.)

I just wish I knew what was going on with you. I know something's up, just can't put my finger on it. I guess you'll tell me when you are ready. I just want you to know that whatever it is, I'm on your side.

I may make an early night of it - can't wait for those dreams.

Hello again.

Maria is off to school, so I have some time to chat. I don't need to be in Palo Alto until about 12:30 this afternoon, and I had anticipated some aftermath from this morning so I am not going into the office today. Probably just as well, as I need to get those meds. I'll do that on my way out, I guess. Don't want to be taking them and then getting behind the wheel.

The Keystone Cops had nothing on me this morning. I guess I will need to become more efficient at getting ready, or something. I was close to panic at about 5:28. And I thought I had been so clever - getting everything set up early so I wouldn't be late again. I know you hate it when I'm late. And believe me, I beat myself up over it every time.

I miss you. I would have given anything just to be able to see your face this morning. I understand that you already know all this, but sometimes it helps to actually say it. In some bizarre way, keeping it all inside just eats at me. So I'll tell you yet again. Anything. Any time. Always.

I missed you this morning. I know you had appointments today, but I was hoping you would be there. It was a very different morning, as I kept getting interrupted, and almost missed five thirty, but I made it on time. Funny, it hurt, but didn't seem to hinder anything. In fact, for a while I forgot they were there, and found myself just asking over and over for you to touch me.

Of course, taking them off was harder than putting them on, as you will remember. I had told you I would be imagining your smile, but found myself seeing nothing but your eyes.

I'll talk to you again later.

At one point in this narrative, I believe I stated that it would be fine with me if it was all about sex. I was mistaken. I had forgotten just how much of an emotional investment it takes for me to trust someone that way. Of course, it has been so long since I've really trusted anyone that I think I just pushed the thoughts out of my mind.

Don't get me wrong - I absolutely enjoy the hell out of everything you and I do, and everything you have me do. I just realised this morning (between trying not to be so loud due to the spouse having come in at just about 5:30 and crawling back into bed) that it wouldn't be possible for me to enjoy it so much if I didn't believe you were enjoying it. Somehow, pleasing you has become the most important part of the whole thing.

So I crawled back into bed this morning and fell asleep thinking of your arms around me.

Hi there tall, dark, and well, you can fill in the rest.

I'm all alone in the office again tonight. I'm becoming friendly with all the custodial staff, as well as the security guards. Often a plus when you work late on a regular basis. They know where I am, and keep an eye out for other people coming up here. Makes one feel safer, anyway.

I've reached the point where I can expect to get out of here in an hour or so. Maybe I'll get home before ten tonight. An unexpected pleasure - a full night's sleep. If the build doesn't break.

Damn. Guess it might be longer than I had hoped. Oh well... while I'm watching the error messages scroll by, I can daydream about you. Certainly one of my favorite pastimes. As you know.

Just in case you weren't there when it happened, I woke up with a smile again this morning. Wonderful dreams, even though it was a short night. Don't remember the content, just the feeling. (again, probably because I didn't get to sleep until almost one, and got up at a quarter till five or so.)

I do remember the star, though. And he had the sweetest appendectomy scar...

Hi there.

Had a lovely morning. And really shouldn't say much more here at the office.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Just a note while I wait for the source line to sync. (It takes a while) I managed to walk myself right out of a pair of flats this weekend, so this evening will be punctuated by an attempt at some shopping. Shoes, and a few other fun items.

And I still can't find my black skirt, so I have to replace it. I have all these blouses that have patterns... and two skirts that also have patterns. Not working so well. So basic black will have to be replaced. I'm hoping to find something soon. If not, I'll just have to bite the bullet and make one. (I'm trying to avoid having to do so, as the costume is going to be plenty of work.)

I'm planning a trip to GV sometime this week. Perhaps tomorrow, as there will be few people in the office. Otherwise Friday, because we have the monthly engineering meeting and the going away lunch on Thursday this week. Busy, busy.

Thank goodness for reliable public transportation. Not like in the midwest, where you're lucky to find one bus that makes a round-trip each day. Say what you want about Muni... they run often enough, and are for the most part, reliable.

Ah, the sync has completed. Time to get back.

Dreams. I had several last night. The good news is that they were exciting, and sexy, and wonderful. The bad news is that I kept waking up at just the wrong moment. Difficult to get back.

But well worth the loss of sleep. I woke up when the alarm went off, and I was smiling. It has been a while since I woke up smiling.

I like the feeling.

Just looked at the forecast for your area. I guess I had better stop complaining about the cold, huh? Boy your fall has gone fast. Sounds like winter has arrived in your area as well.

And if drivers there are anything like the drivers here, the first sign of real weather brings out the people who need to speed up to get off the wet roads faster. Yeah. I've known a few of those. I think they should require everyone to be able to drive on snow in order to get a license. Or at least to be able to drive in the rain. But no, that would require people to show some skill, and we can't have that. Might make someone feel inferior. Kind of like passing kids from grade to grade without making them learn to read.

Can you tell I'm feeling a bit less than my normal chipper self? Still, I have managed far more difficult things, haven't I? Doesn't make it fun. Just not the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Talk to you soon.

Hey there sweetie,

Yes, I know. But I have just smoked what is probably going to be my last cigarette, and I'm feeling just a bit strange. So please forgive the familiarity, and I promise I won't make a habit of it.

With a little bit of luck, I'll dream the sort of dreams I was having during my nap this afternoon, rather than the panic driven cigarette dreams I had the last time I tried to quit without drugs. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Hope your day went well, and that you are sleeping soundly by now. I'm off to bed myself in a minute, but I wanted to write first.

Talk to you soon.

Well, dear, I'm having one hell of a day. I laid down for a nap at a quartre till tow, because we didn't have to be at the theater until three, right? Well, I got up at a quarter till three, and looked at the tickets. Two o'clock.

Blows chunks.

I sure hope your weekend is going better. Me, I'm going back to bed. I will email you something cheery first, though. Wouldn't want you to think I had forgotten you.

Hello again.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with the silly thing, but I'll figure it out. Funny, after having worked with computers for thirteen years, I'm still not sure exactly what makes them tick. Sometimes they're just stubborn. And believe me, I know stubborn.

Tomorrow afternoon at about six your time, I'll be at the theater. Taming of the Shrew. I know, but I just couldn't help myself. I hope Maria enjoys it. She is at a movie tonight. Yes, I've got the house to myself for all of about two hours. It is the longest I've been alone since I've been back. I think they have finally deie I'm not going to stick my head in the oven. Not that it would do any good... it is electric. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Okay, I have added both your addresses to the allow any time list... let me know if that doesn't fix the problem.

Well, I had best let you go for tonight. I'll write again in the morning. Please take care of yourself.

Okay. I have to stop this. I'm sitting here beating myself up again, and for no good reason whatsoever. I need to quit second guessing myself, and just say what I think, and let the chips fall where they may.

One of the things I admire most about you is your ability to be completely honest with me. It is just so damned refreshing. And yet every time you ask me to tell you what I think, and I do, I spend an enormous amount of time and energy beating myself up over it. Did I say it right, is it too much, or too little, did it really express what I think... it just goes on and on.

So many things fighting to get out, and so very little time to write. I'll just have to muddle through, and try to capture them as they appear in my mind. The very best ones come to me at times when I have nothing to write with, and are gone before I get back to the computer. Yes, I have a running conversation with you going on in my head. (more like a monologue, really) and I think of all these things I just have to tell you, and then, when the time comes, they never sound the same as they did originally. And often enough, I can't really remember them at all.

So, now that we have my state of mind firmly pinned down (for at least the next minute and a half, that is.) I'll get back to work.

Good morning.

It was lovely hearing from you today. You still know how to make me smile.