Conversation

My last entry was just as whiny and needy as it sounds. Ugh. I hate it when I sound that way. I know you and I have some connection. I am just not always certain what it is.
That said, we need to make some time for one another. I feel it. And I am always right. About this sort of thing, anyway.

Spouse? Out of the picture. As soon as I can manage it. Taxes this weekend. ( I know, I said that last weekend.)

Hopefully I will be owed enough that it takes my total tax burden down to something I can someday hope to pay.

I need to get to the safe deposit box, and retrieve the '99 tax forms. Gotta make sure the state gets theirs. (again with the ugh.)

I still believe Carrie and Big belong together.

Please remember me. I know that sounds silly, we were in one another's lives for over 13 years, but I have the horrible feeling that I am going to get there and we will have nothing to say to each other.
Wouldn't that be a pisser?

Completed another ten conversions/edits today. Might just be a record. I need to get them done soon, so I can figure out what else is on the old agenda. Got to get the backlog cleared up, and then I will send out a lovely "Look at me" message to the team. Rah.

I wonder how long I've got. They either have something up their collective sleeves, or I am out of here after this project. Your guess is as good as mine as to which.

So, maybe till mid March. Just long enough to get finished with the review cycle. Not long enough to change the raise for any of the people who are staying. (Ya think?)

We'll see.

Thinking about the facts in the case... spouse is always claiming to have saved my life. (for any number of reasons). You have also saved me.
How, you may ask?
You divorced me and forced me out of the military healthcare system. It saved my life. (Cost me a bloody fortune, but that's another rant.)
The PA I was seeing before our divorce had a blood test that indicated a problem. He decided that to test for the cause was too expensive, and I should take vitamins. Told me to come back when I had neurological problems. Sweet, wasn't he? A year and a half later, there I am... flat on my back in the hospital with no immune system, and no neurological symptoms. (Unless you count the voices, but I think they were from the fever.) (And they went away as soon as the fever went down.)
So I owe you a great big thank you for the divorce. It may have seemed like a bad idea (to me) at the time, but it wound up being very good for my health.

My attitude is another story.

Completely broke. We have less than no money. My checking account is overdrawn, and I have no prospects until payday. Thankfully that is on Friday, but I still need to get through the next two days with no money, and more than my fair share of bills.

I have got to figure out how to stem the flow of cash from the BofA account. It wouldn't be so bad having him put dumb stuff on credit cards if we had the other account as a backup to pay bills with, but he spends every dime he gets his hands on. And then some.

I still can't believe that he ran through over four thousand dollars in the last four months. How can he do it? How can I keep up with it? (answer: I can't.)

DD asked me on Sunday if I wished that things had been different, if I wished he had lived even though it would mean she wasn't here. I told her that no matter what, I would never wish for that. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I just know that she is destined for great things. I also told her that I am eternally grateful to you, and to him, because he taught me what to look for when I was expecting her, and I was able to convince the doctors (this time) that there really was something wrong. Saved her, he did. Maybe that was why we had to go through that. So she would be saved.
It's better than thinking it is just random.

News flash! We are getting bonuses for the 4th quarter. So the property taxes will get paid. It really sucks to be this close to the line. I have to get some money into the credit union before they disown me. And yet, I have no money to give them. Where does it all go?

Finally, something goes my way. The you-know-whats at PG&E finally credited my account with the two checks I sent them about three weeks ago. So now I have a 56.00 credit. No more threats from them.
We are getting a bonus this quarter. 2%. (of our annual salaries)
I will use it to pay the property taxes and (if there is any left) the homeowners insurance. I will also refrain from telling him that I got it.
Hope they don't put it into the Bof A account. I need to decrease the amount going in there by about 400.00 a month. But there are still bills that come out automatically, so I need to leave enough in there to cover them. My life insurance is one of them. I should convert that, and be done with it. But I will wait for a few more years, when I should be able to refinance for a much smaller payment. (There's always hope, right?)

Got a phone call from spouse. I guess he wants to communicate, now that dd is off to Catalina for the week. Fat chance. I wasn't kidding when I asked if he was staying at her house this week. I would love the quiet. Peace, at last. But no, he wants to stay at the house. I have no idea why, as he doesn't actually do anything there, and I have no intention of making or eating big meals while dd is away.
So I am getting a little bit of it done. I have sent off for the refund from the medical people, and should be getting a notification soon of how much is left in the account. I will then round up some more of the receipts, and get the remainder back. It will pay for the trip to Ohio, and probably the gas card. Maybe even part of the credit cards. (or perhaps, just perhaps, some savings?)

Told spouse this morning that I will not be paying off his credit cards any more after this. He owes about two thousand, and will never be able to pay that, so I will pay them one more time, plus whatever goes on while we are on the ship, but that is the end. I have way too many other bills to pay, and will not be able to keep putting out several hundred bucks a month on his credit cards and the gas card. I don't know where he thinks it all comes from. What, is he dumb or something? Can't figure this one out. He knows we have only one income, and he even knows what it is. Why can't he just live within it? But no, he has to have something special every day, and can't go a day without his pound of flesh, so to speak.

I am just frustrated. I can't get ahead, no matter what I do.
It bites.

Morning. I am recovering from an almost sleepless night, followed by an early morning trip to the airport. Had a strange dream while I did sleep, (all two hours) I was pledging myself to you, always. It wouldn't be so strange, except that you had done the same the day before I got to town, and it had to be in writing, and there was some peculiar quest or something that couldn't be accomplished unless we both willingly did this. Bizarre.
But okay with me, as I feel that way about you anyway. Still, the things you dream when you have to get up at 3am!

I need to get to the house, and get my stuff ready for a wet weekend. Laundry, maybe a book, taxes, paying bills, the usual. I wish it would be clear on Sunday. I need to have some space that day, and I fear that I will wind up being stuck in the house all day long. If it rains, maybe I will just go window shopping at Serramonte center. It will not be an attractive proposition to anyone else, and then I can have some time alone with my thoughts.
As though I don't have enough time alone with my thoughts here, right?

Okay Darwin, fess up... you are spending his birthday feeling miserable too, right?
I figured.
Maybe I will write some more over the weekend.
If not, see you Monday.

Newest item of interest in the life of Ellie... working with the Darwin Information Typing Architecture, otherwise known as DITA. The management will never know why I am so keen on this little deal, will they?

Gives me goose bumps just to type it. DITA. DITA

Who'd have thought? Amazing the names they come up with.

Hope you enjoy your fifteen minutes. You are always the biggest name in my book, D.

My friend Mark Pritchard (maybe friend is too strong... he used to be my manager, and we are friendly.) wrote two really good books, one of which contains what may be my favorite short story of all time, "Pretend". You can find them on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/index=books&field-author=Pritchard%2C%20Mark/103-0244505-6491072

"Pretend" can be found in "Too Beautiful and Other Stories". It reminds me of you. "When we were happy, for the last time."

The story isn't one we have acted out, although... but the feelings, those ring true.

Finally sending off the receipts to the medical savings people. I still need to find the one from my surgery in May, that was for over a thousand dollars. It will come in handy this spring. But we will be getting over seven hundred back from the idiocy that is spouse's hand in the car door. Surgery without having finished your deductable... how lovely. And he lied about it. Not like you, you never lied. Even when I wished you would, like when you were sleeping with all those women. That was difficult, but I could deal with it. They were passing, I was there for the rest of our lives, or so I thought. He, on the other hand, has had a girlfriend (yes, the real, goes out with every night kind) for three years now, and still lies about it. What an enormous pain in the ass that is!
No wonder I don't care any more.
Liar.

Another day at the office. I haven't received the information I need to accomplish my goal for the day, so here I sit, writing in my blog. I need to get the rest of the medical stuff taken care of, and get it faxed over so I can pay the bills next month. No borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, at least not so far. I have to win that damned lottery soon, though.

Okay. Tonight I do it. I get all the bills together from last year, and I spend some time catagorizing them into neat groups for submission to the medical spending people. Same for the ones Ed has run up for this year already. We are putting the money in there, and now we need it. It will pay for the dresses, the plane tickets, and potentially the fire insurance for the next year.
Not too bad, huh? And I will throw as much as I can at the credit cards, because they are out of control. How many times can he go over the limit before I just take the damned things out of his wallet and cut them up? I pay them off, and in a few months he has them run up again. He and that girlfriend of his. I wish my boyfriend was half as available. (or half as real!)
Okay, so I have a great fantasy life. It is better than spending all our money on someone I am not considering making a part of the family.
Rat bastard.

All day long I have had the feeling that you are thinking of me. Kind of like when I told Jack that you were going to ask you to marry me when you got back from Germany. I always know. Is this feeling real? Are you missing me too? Are we really destined to be together? I feel it so strongly today.

I can't wait until I see you. Please know that I am thinking of you, and missing you. I love you.

As I sit here listening to the oldies, I am reminded of all the things I love about you, and all the wonderful times we spent together. I hope that you are all right, and that you will have a long, happy, healthy life. Boy, this song is making me a little weepy, right here in the office. I need to cut this out, or I will never make it until June.

You are everything, and everything is you. Beautiful song.
Not as good as Brandy, but that one was always about you. My sailor. (although you were in the USAF, the concept applied. You left, I waited. )
I loved you then, and I love you now. I wish I knew that you are okay. I am beginning to worry about you. And I don't even know why.

Please be healthy and happy when I see you.

I will love you forever. I will miss you each time we are apart, and I will look forward to each meeting with great anticipation. I must find you. I must love you. I must let you know that you mean more to me than anyone else. Kids don't count, you know. You have yours, and I have mine, and they mean everything to each of us. I know how much you love them, because I know how badly you were hurt all those years ago. I let you down, and I am sorry. I live with this particular sorrow all the time.
I don't sleep at all well any more. I am hoping for just one more occasion of resting my head on your chest, and sleeping soundly. Just one.

Told Twhen we are coming this afternoon. She thought I wanted Mom to come up to the house. Not this trip. We will be in Columbus the 18th through the 20th, and then we will be heading up to E.C. for the remainder of the trip. DD will be attending the Canton Assembly #24 meeting on Monday evening, with me, and then I will take her up to the cleveland airport for her trip home on Tuesday. I will stop at the motel on the way back, I think. If it is not too late. I will leave a card for you, one with my phone number and email address. It has the office information, as well. Then I will try to reach some of the other guys, like Carl Gastin, Emmy Roth, Glenn Ellington, others.
I am hoping to see at least you and Carl, and may see Glenn as he was kind enough to come to see us when Daddy died. Sister says Emmy was there as well, but I didn't see him. Randy's parents were there, but he is gone.
I miss him too. He was crazy, but a nice guy. Cozy. And no, I don't expect you to understand that.

It looks like we will be coming in on Southwest. We will leave at 6:45 in the morning, and arrive in Ohio after 4PM. Long day. But only one stop, and no plane change, which will be great for DD's trip home. She will be leaving the following Tuesday evening, and I will leave the Tuesday after that. I will take BART and SamTrans home from Oakland, so spouse doesn't have to come and get me. I can do that much. I will have to remember to bring transit stuff with me though. Don't want to be hunting through the luggage for change.
DD will enjoy her trip more, I think, since she will only have to get up at half-past nothing (Thanks Terry) on one morning. We will drive up to Canton on Sunday evening, or Monday morning, and go visit my friend Beth, then off to Rainbow. Tuesday we can take our time and head up to the airport at about 2. Much easier than when we have to be at CAK by 6.
Or at OAK by 4:30!

Okay, it is decided. We will be arriving in Ohio on the 18th of June. We will spend the first three days in Columbus, then go up to Canton on Sunday evening. We will attend the Rainbow meeting on Monday evening, and then DD will go home. I will leave the following Tuesday. That gives me a week to find you, and buy you that cup of coffee.
I hope you are willing to talk to me, and I hope that there are at least a couple of other people in town. My friend Beth is planning a picnic for the Saturday so there will be another social event for me to attend. I think she believes I am looking forward to seeing people from our class. I will enjoy it, but they are not the main reason for the trip. In fact, they could all go out of town and I wouldn't even notice, I don't think. I may wind up bringing the laptop and working from Mom's house a couple of days. It would make the hit on my vacation time much smaller, and let me keep up with my email at the least. Perhaps dial in to a couple of the meetings as well.
We will see. I may not need to do it, but it would help with any other plans I make for the rest of the year.

So, darlin' How have you been for the past twenty-some years? Are you happy? Do you have the life you wanted so badly? Have you changed?
Have I? (Don't answer that - I know I am not eighteen any more.)

I have found that there are numerous decent prices on tickets to Cleveland this summer. I may be able to get tickets sooner than expected. If only the damned festival was advertised somewhere, I could begin real planning. Grr.
I will get either Beth or Terry to let me know what is happening with the festival. I need to call Terry anyway. I told her that I would call the weekend after Janet died, and I didn't have the time. So I need to do that. Must talk to Mom soon. Perhaps this weekend. We don't have so many things planned this time. I will have to leave the office early both today and tomorrow so I can get to meetings on time, and then I am going at 1 on Friday. Boy, I am just so not the 60-hour a week person any more. But DD is doing really well, and leaving for her school trip on the 23rd. Catalina island. Wish I was going. They leave at 6am, so she has to be at the airport at about 4:30. In Oakland. (which means getting up at 2.)
Southwest has a great sale going on right now. But so does Northwest. Guess I will go with whoever has what we need at the time. Ticket buying next month. Planning for the visit to Rainbow begins now. I will need to call the Mother Advisor and ask if they are meeting that night. I would hate to get there and find out that they were dark that day. Waste of suitcase space. Two formals? And good shoes? I will find out for sure before we pack.

I need to decide what I will say when I ask for you. I will have a card made up, with the email address and the cell number, but should I use the business card, or should I just make a card with the information? I think the business card might make them more comfortable, as it is an indication that I will not be in Ohio forever. On the other hand, I don't necessarily want to advertise my business affairs.
Still, I think the business card may be the way to go. It doesn't really matter what anyone but you think, and I have to believe you will be glad that I have made it this far. A little annoyed maybe, but in the end, I think you will be happy that I have gotten a decent job, a home and a wonderful daughter. I know I will be happy for your accomplishments, just as soon as you get around to telling me what they are. So that is decided, then. Business card it is. I will cross out the business email and add my yahoo address. I think that keeping the mail private may be the better part of valor.
You know?
Yeah, I bet you do.

Are you out there? I spoke directly about you in my other blog, today. I am wondering if you read blogs, or if you are one of those who don't really participate in the internet. Good question. I will need to ask, if I ever find you.
Plans progress. Perhaps Southwest Airlines. They have a good sale going on.
We will see.

A popup window ( you know, the things that usually drive you crazy?) made me think about something yesterday. It said " Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about". Guess I won't be giving up on you, after all. I sometimes wonder if I will have the courage, when it really comes down to driving over to your aunt and uncle's place, to get out of the car and ask for you. As it stands now, I can imagine all sorts of wonderful reunions. Will the reality be something I have imagined, or will I leave Ohio never to return? Will we still be friends, after all we've been through, or will I never hear from you?
Will I spend a week waiting, only to be told you aren't interested in seeing me?
How do I make myself do this? Even bad news has to be better than not knowing anything at all. And I do miss you. You are the closest friend I have ever had. And I know that I was your closest friend for a very long time. I can't just let it end this way, and I know that I will never be able to get you out of my mind for more than a few hours unless we talk.
Talk to me, please. Give me a sign that you will be happy to know that I am still alive. Let me know that you value our friendship.
Let me tell you why I sit at home every Christmas Eve, waiting for your call, even though I know it will never come. Call me this year.
Give me the courage to get out of the car, and ask about you.

Getting moved at the office. God I wish I could just win the stupid lottery. Please. This is killing me. Why does he need a private office? And what exactly makes me (with my headphones and once a month phone calls) such a flipping bad officemate that he can't wait for me to be gone? Bastard. And usually I reserve that appellation for spouse.
Doing the move tonight and tomorrow morning. It will take me weeks to get things put away and set up so I can be even a little bit comfortable. Again, bastard.

On the bright side, he won't be reporting my every breath to the boss any more. Something good has to come out of it, right?

Blech.

No down time over the weekend. Of course. I managed to read four new books, though. It was a lot of fun, but it means that the bills didn't get paid, and DD doesn't have her new slip. Must do better this weekend. Bills tonight, and the slip on Saturday morning. Hope that gym opens soon. I am anxious to get my arms back into shape, and to work off some of this energy. I need to be thinking of something rather than someone, and this daily fantasy is getting in the way of my accomplishments. I am spending all my time thinking about you, and I never get anything done!
On the other hand, once I see you again, I may find that you aren't at all the man I remember. You may be all the worst things you could have become. Perhaps I will see you, talk with you, and never need to spend another second thinking of you. It could happen.
Well, it could.
I know, it didn't any of the other times we were apart, but that was never for this long. Any number of things could have happened to make you a bitter, mean old man. Please be a bitter, mean old man. Nah, I really don't want that. You have meant too much to me for too long. I need to have a friend again, one with whom I can discuss anything. Anything at all. With no worries about what you will think of me. Because you tell me everything too.
Remember?
I hope so.